Do you care about your significant other's sexual past?

[Jenny A]

So I'm going to skip a few pages and address a particular point that no one seems to have gotten to up till that point:

Catholic_Lady - I'd like to say that in a perfect world, you CAN tell a lot about a person through open communication and kissing, but you just can't. Why? Because if that's all you're engaging in physically, you're not actually exploring you or your partner's fantasies. And while what I'm about to say may not apply to you personally, it definitely does for a significant portion of the population. Your fantasies may or may not always be applicable in real life, and the only way you're going to find that out is if you try them together.

Speaking from a place of experience, there are a lot of guys who will say they're into one thing or another to get you to be in a committed relationship with them (god you'd be surprised how many guys AREN'T up for open, casual relationships instead of monogamy) and then the truth comes out in the following months that they aren't actually sexually interested in the same things you are, or sometimes even in the things that they claimed they were.

Personal example: I'm pretty upfront about the fact that I am into BDSM. Just in the bedroom, mind, and maybe in private living space occasionally, but it's important enough to me to be a requirement for a committed partner. In fact, I almost never agree to sex with anyone without that caveat, even casual encounters, because it's my preferred kind of sex.

I have had so many guys start out by saying they're "into it" or "interested in it." There is time and discussion before sex ever happens, because the nature of what I do requires trust, but even after investing the time and energy prior to sex, guys sneak in who actually AREN'T into BDSM and there was no way to know without actually getting in the sack, either because they were lying in order to get sex OR, and this is the tricky part, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW.

See, the human brain is ridiculous, and people can have rape fantasies without actually wanting to get raped, and people can dream about dominating someone without actually feeling the urge to dominate, and people can dream about being abducted and impregnated by aliens or fucked by some tentacle monster without actually wanting any of those things to actually happen. And that's perfectly fine - it's part of a rich fantasy life. But suppose you're one of those people who just thought you were into something and you get married to someone who IS? One or both of you is going to end up very unhappy sexually.

If that many people you know don't regret waiting, I'd posit that they simply don't know exactly what they're missing or they're lying to save face. If you think they aren't, ask a group of people around you (if you have the guts) how many of them masturbate, and watch how many of them lie.

If you and your husband are happy, then mazel tov, I'm happy for you. I just don't believe that "waiting" is a good principle to promote. I know just as many people as you claim "don't regret" waiting who also "don't regret" having sexed up their partners before committing, because they found egregious incompatibilities that made a committed romantic relationship impossible. Not that there was love lacking. They just couldn't get the romantic part fixed. Love, contrary to what a lot of people think, doesn't solve anything. It only makes you *potentially* more willing to attempt problem-solving with your partner, and even that is iffy.

I'm right there with you and for many of the same reasons.  It's not that sex without BDSM is bad.  It's just that like color TV it's much better than black and white.  Unlike TV choice though, not everyone agrees about the beauty of BDSM or which or all of BDSM roles they would like to take.