Do you care about your significant other's sexual past?

[Catholic_Lady]

Well it is possible to love someone very much without having had sex with them though. If I love someone very very much, to the point where I am about to commit myself and my life to him, and we decided to have sex right before we got engaged, I wouldn't leave him if the sex wasn't great (especially since such a thing can be improved, but that's another point) . I already love him at that point. Likewise, I wouldn't leave my husband if he, for whatever reason, was unable to have sex anymore. I don't really see the difference between the 2 scenarios.

Whew, missed this thread for a few days.

You're right, of course, that you can love somebody without having sex with them, but if your marriage is going to contain sex (and some don't, if one or more of the participants is asexual) then it's still a component of the marriage, and one that deserves to be dealt with. It, and the emotional, relationship building things that go along with it, aren't trivial, they are going to have knock on effects in the marriage like any other part of it, so I don't see why it should be treated as this separate, irrelevant thing. It might not be essential to the marriage, but if it exists within it then it's a very relevant factor. It's like if you'd only ventured into your husband's living space on the day of the marriage, and you discover that he runs a secret dog fighting ring out of the basement; you'd just be fooling yourself if you think that wouldn't have an effect. This isn't about a love/not love binary, it's about the way individual aspects of life as a couple affect your overall relationship.

You can still love someone and be negatively impacted by choices that one or both of you make within your marriage.

No problem.

I agree that sex is an important component of a marriage and one that deserves to be dealt with, and if you think I was treating it as a separate irrelevant thing, then you have misunderstood me.

I've talked about both spouses taking the time to try to please each other, and to be open with each other. I've talked about having open communication about sexuality before marriage.

What I was saying up top was that, even though sex is important, I still wouldn't leave someone I love because it wasn't so great yet (I say "yet" because I still think it's something that can always evolve and improve if they are willing, as they should be), and likewise I wouldn't leave someone I love if they lost the ability to have sex through some freak accident. It is possible to love the other person more than you love sex, and to want to be with them anyway. Yes, sex is an important part of marriage, but it doesn't seem like it should be a complete deal breaker when you're talking about someone you already love deeply.