What to say to Grandma?

[MTL]

Update... she emailed me again, asking if I've changed my mind about being an atheist. I told her it's not really something I can just change my mind about, but if she would like to ask me any questions about it, she is more than welcome to. She replied saying she has no questions but that she wants me to change my mind before it's too late. Feeling a little pissed off, I replied letting her know that I have an open mind and that if I ever do find reason to believe again, I will, but that I've searched for god more than most people and have left no stone unturned or question unasked. I told her I feel atheism isn't an "option" I just whimsically chose, but the conclusion to an extensive decade-long search.

Given that it is out in the open and she wants to talk to you about religion, when she brings up the topic again, I would explain to her why I was an atheist if I were in your position.  And I think I would start sending her short essays about it whenever she sent me such things.  I rather like Bertrand Russell's essay "Why I am not a Christian," which can be found online.

I would keep that up until she stopped bothering me about it.  And if she resumed, I would again send her more such material.

I must respectfully disagree.

Of course, like most Atheists and Agnostics,
I would of course usually be willing to discuss it with any interested parties.

But I have been in a very similar situation:

If she is anything like my grandmother,
then your grandma will, like many insecure Christians,
eventually get upset when you rattle her religious cage too much;

and THEN all the family will be ready to pile on to the "fight you started with Grandma"
and THEN "respect for your elders" and such like will find its way into the conversation.

Don't go there.  It is sadly a no-win situation.

Besides, you already have your answer:

you said that your Grandma said,

" (she) has no questions but that (she) wants me to change my mind before it's too late. "

There you go.

She has no interest in hearing your defenses.

She just wants your total and unquestioning compliance.

You cannot win in such a debate.


So, my personal suggestion is along the following lines, instead:

"Grandma,

I love you.  I always will.

I'm sorry that my beliefs upset you.
I know that it is out of your love for me that you pursue this issue.

But, regardless of your good intentions,
the fact remains:

You are not showing my beliefs
the same respect that I have always shown yours.

I should NOT have to choose between having your respect,
and having your love.

If we are to have a relationship,
we are going to have to simply agree to disagree,
and also PROMISE to not discuss the matter AT ALL, ever again.

I cannot, will not, and should not,
tolerate my boundaries being disregarded...even by you. "


If she still doesn't stop, try pointing this out:


" Grandma, with all due respect, I must ask you to also consider this:

My relationship with God (or lack thereof)
is actually none of your business.

It is between me, and god.  No-one else.  Not even grandma.

Even though you are my grandmother,
my soul is my own.

It does not belong to you.

I do not have to justify my spiritual choices to you.

Remember:  According to YOUR OWN belief system, Grandma,

This is a choice GOD GAVE TO ME

...it is not for you, nor anyone else, to make that choice for me,
(or to coerce me into making anything other than a SINCERE choice).

You have your OWN soul to choose to do with as you see fit;

You don't get to choose for my soul, as well,
just because I happen to be your grandchild.

I am your descendant....not your chattel. "

If she STILL doesn't back off:

" Grandma,

I don't know if this has ever occurred to you,
but to an Atheist, or possibly to ANY onlooker,
when you relentlessly pursue this issue,
one very loud message you may not realize that you are sending out, is this:

you obviously don't think God can touch my heart,
without YOUR help.

Do you not believe in the power of prayer?

Listen, if you want to pray for my soul, I don't mind.

But why not demonstrate your faith,
instead of talking about it?

Why not leave it in God's hands? "