I wish that had been my experience. I did have a lot of hard questions that my Christian Apologist training didn't cover very well, but I got pretty good at cognitive dissonance for a while, until the pressure of keeping one side of my brain from saying "WTF, DUDE!?" to the other side got to be too much (at 16-17, when we started getting a series of anti-evolution/anti-science evangelists guest-preaching at our church, and I had read enough books to start spotting outright lies, despite being a Creationist, myself). But up until that point, I was "on fire for Jesus", as we said in the cult, back then.
Looking back on it, it just blows me away that I ever thought or behaved in those ways. Our church wasn't (quite) as hypocritical as yours seemed to be. Mine was composed of pretty hard-core Believers, as far as I could tell. We had our share of hypocrites, but everyone knew them as hypocrites, and I think that most of the members were overall pretty good, normal, decent people... just had a lot of crazy cult notions about the world, that's all. It is possible that there was more drinking/screwing going on than I personally saw, since by the time I was old enough to participate in that, I was focused on trying to get into the AF Academy, studying AP Chemistry/Physics/Calculus, and running track, doing techie work with the nearby university theatre, and also attending church every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, so I didn't have much time for shenanigans or socializing outside of church.
Luckily, once the dissonance dissipated, the powerful anti-apologetics weapon my church had taught me to focus on other religions (as a means of debunking the other, "wrong" faiths, from Mormonism to Catholicism to Islam, etc.) was able to dispatch my own beliefs "in a puff of logic", as Douglas Adams put it.
That was at age 17, and when I admitted to my parents I could not longer in good faith attend their church, it went badly. They told me to go or move out. I chose the latter. I didn't really consider myself a nonbeliever, yet; I just knew that the version of Christianity that I had been taught (fundamentalist, with strict Biblical literalism) was dead-wrong, and wanted to see if I could find a faith that wasn't clearly bullshit. There were none, of course.
Six months after that, during the oath-taking ceremonies at the Academy (my hard work paid off!), I chose not to say "so help me God" at the end of my oaths, since they gave us the option. Looking back, that was my first real step toward self-identifying as a nonbeliever, but I consider the start of my atheism to be the moment I realized the Bible could not be what my fellows claimed it was, the literal Word of God, was the moment skepticism lit up my brain, and I have not looked back in regret for a moment. I do, however, regret what my parents' continued extremism did to my siblings in my absence, an abandonment for which they have never really forgiven me, even though they have also abandoned religion completely.
It was another five years after leaving my childhood home, during a conversation with my debate team partner (also college girlfriend), that I first used the term "atheist" openly, realizing for myself what I really was. And now I tell Christians who ask if I'd like to hear the Good News, "No, thanks! I'm a recovering Christoholic...22 years Jesus free!"
Looking back on it, it just blows me away that I ever thought or behaved in those ways. Our church wasn't (quite) as hypocritical as yours seemed to be. Mine was composed of pretty hard-core Believers, as far as I could tell. We had our share of hypocrites, but everyone knew them as hypocrites, and I think that most of the members were overall pretty good, normal, decent people... just had a lot of crazy cult notions about the world, that's all. It is possible that there was more drinking/screwing going on than I personally saw, since by the time I was old enough to participate in that, I was focused on trying to get into the AF Academy, studying AP Chemistry/Physics/Calculus, and running track, doing techie work with the nearby university theatre, and also attending church every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, so I didn't have much time for shenanigans or socializing outside of church.
Luckily, once the dissonance dissipated, the powerful anti-apologetics weapon my church had taught me to focus on other religions (as a means of debunking the other, "wrong" faiths, from Mormonism to Catholicism to Islam, etc.) was able to dispatch my own beliefs "in a puff of logic", as Douglas Adams put it.
That was at age 17, and when I admitted to my parents I could not longer in good faith attend their church, it went badly. They told me to go or move out. I chose the latter. I didn't really consider myself a nonbeliever, yet; I just knew that the version of Christianity that I had been taught (fundamentalist, with strict Biblical literalism) was dead-wrong, and wanted to see if I could find a faith that wasn't clearly bullshit. There were none, of course.
Six months after that, during the oath-taking ceremonies at the Academy (my hard work paid off!), I chose not to say "so help me God" at the end of my oaths, since they gave us the option. Looking back, that was my first real step toward self-identifying as a nonbeliever, but I consider the start of my atheism to be the moment I realized the Bible could not be what my fellows claimed it was, the literal Word of God, was the moment skepticism lit up my brain, and I have not looked back in regret for a moment. I do, however, regret what my parents' continued extremism did to my siblings in my absence, an abandonment for which they have never really forgiven me, even though they have also abandoned religion completely.
It was another five years after leaving my childhood home, during a conversation with my debate team partner (also college girlfriend), that I first used the term "atheist" openly, realizing for myself what I really was. And now I tell Christians who ask if I'd like to hear the Good News, "No, thanks! I'm a recovering Christoholic...22 years Jesus free!"
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
