Quandary

[robvalue]

The problem is, I think I meant it.  Bit of a quandary now.  Am I still a deist or have I given up on all things creator driven?
Am I an atheist?  Am I beginning to convert?  I've never assigned importance to the God I ascribe to, and have even surmised that he/she may have very well died.
None the less, I seem to have turned some sort of corner.  My atheistic leanings may be more than that.
hmm.
Part of me is ready to let go and part of me wonders why I even consider any of it at all.

One thing I've learned about myself is I have the hardest time being honest when I'm evaluating myself. As soon as I question my own motives, I can see the "obvious" answer, but I can also see some reason I might be lying to myself out of convenience. Once I acknowledge that possibility, it becomes next to impossible for me to evaluate why I feel a certain way.

When it came to my own experience of letting go of faith, it was slow-going (taking about two years), and a lot of it was driven by how I felt. If you are losing your faith/in a temporary period of doubt/just asking questions, it's entirely possible you might feel comfortable identifying one way one day, and another the next day. There's no need to rush into it.

This is so true! I remember hearing somewhere that we often make decisions for emotional reasons, and then try and justify them rationally. Once I heard this, I realised how guilty of it I was (if guilty is the right word). I want to do something, and so I look for reasons why I should do it. I start making internal excuses for my behaviour, to try and appease my inner critic. I'm not talking about anything horrible here, just things like having one more game of Hearthstone.

I would personally describe deism as atheism with emotional attachments to the concept of a god. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. One can know/believe intellectually that something is irrational, but yet keep it alive on an emotional level. Like I've said to people before, who are coming out of Christianity but feeling scared, there's no compulsion to let go of the idea of Jesus. Things are as emotionally real to you as they seem. Jesus, or God, can still be your friend, your guide, your inspiriation, your comfort. They can retain whatever characteristics it is you liked about them when you believed they are real. You don't have to purge any of those feelings.

I talk to my pets who have passed away. Scientifically, I know they don't exist anymore in any meaningful way. Emotionally, they are still alive to me, and retain all the things I love about them. I think of them as being happy and safe in another place emotionally, while not having to actually believe it is literally true at all.