-'Haphazardly' is not needed - no one stumbles 'purposely'.
-How can Charles steady himself by merely lurching 'toward' a traffic sign?
-Of course the scent of Jack Daniels greeted his 'own' nostrils. 'Own' is redundant.
-His first words to her ('Fuck you, Jane...') seem out of place. Ten years and a trip to Siberia and that's what he comes up with?
-Needs an explanation as to why he didn't contact her via email before travelling to Russia.
-More should be made of the drug's effect on Charles, both when he loses and regains consciousness.
-Nothing in the paragraph is very descriptive - 'gothic surroundings' (should be 'Gothic', btw)...'dirty mattress'...'derelict building'. These are all very vague and don't really pull the reader in.
Hope this helps.
Boru
-How can Charles steady himself by merely lurching 'toward' a traffic sign?
-Of course the scent of Jack Daniels greeted his 'own' nostrils. 'Own' is redundant.
-His first words to her ('Fuck you, Jane...') seem out of place. Ten years and a trip to Siberia and that's what he comes up with?
-Needs an explanation as to why he didn't contact her via email before travelling to Russia.
-More should be made of the drug's effect on Charles, both when he loses and regains consciousness.
-Nothing in the paragraph is very descriptive - 'gothic surroundings' (should be 'Gothic', btw)...'dirty mattress'...'derelict building'. These are all very vague and don't really pull the reader in.
Hope this helps.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
