Someone told me to kill myself twice today, I don't know why it's been bothering me

[Phosphorescent Panties]

I was in an lgbt chat room today, I decided to tell a stupid joke. Why did the french comedian not tell the same joke twice? He didn't want it to get snail. I forget the other one. I made these jokes up myself. So this person just says "kill yourself". I politely ask him if he would please not tell people to kill themselves, in more words than that, to which he replies "kill yourself". There wasn't many people in the chat, the moderator didn't ban this person but told them to shut the hell up and stop talking numerous times.

I don't know why, but this totally destroyed my mood for most of the afternoon. I don't even know this person, I've never talked to them before, I made one silly joke and all of a sudden they tell me to kill myself. I know that these are trolls, but it just makes me so depressed. The person just went on mocking and whatever in the chat room until he eventually left. I just think, what kind of world is this? What the hell is wrong with that person? 

I am no stranger to online environments, I've had my fair share of shit thrown my way, I know what to expect when I go and interact with strangers online. This though, this just really struck me on a deeper level as something that made me feel absolutely awful. To think that this uncaring, probably a child, person, just goes around saying this cruel shit, absolutely no care or remorse, I just think, what is wrong with this world? It has me so fricken upset, I don't even know how to describe why. 

I think in our world, we're often told that our feelings are no big deal. That we should just be stoic and repress whatever it is that's making us upset. There's so many things in this world that make me upset, to the point where I just feel like my mind is containing so many negative thoughts that I can't hold them all. It makes me depressed, it makes me feel like I just can't deal with all the thoughts inside my head sometimes. The center of my brain responsible for feeling happiness just turns off. I don't know what to do about this.

The world just seems like a very cold, dark place. I feel like I'm intelligent in that I'm sensitive, but I feel that my mind is very very vulnerable. I often feel that being acutely aware of what is going on around me, I just sense a lot that's wrong. I've often got comments that I'm very sensitive, it's embarrassing. I feel like I'm not taken seriously. I feel like I'm not given credit and I don't feel like I'm capable of a whole lot, that I'm not very intelligent. Because wouldn't an intelligent person learn how to get by? 

I know I just contradicted myself a lot there in that previous paragraph, but that's just where I'm at right now, I have no fucking idea what's going on inside my head and I just wanted to lay it out so that maybe someone can make sense of it. Hopefully I will be going to bed soon, it's about 10:47pm. Hopefully I'll wake up feeling better tomorrow. I'm sorry if this seems sort of bloggy.