Somehow, something I watched on youtube triggered a suggested video on my feed by the vigilant Christian. I had never heard of this guy before, it was some video about a celebrity being exposed as a satanist or something. I watched it, found it entertaining and started watching more of his videos. This guy has some serious dedication, he puts out a video almost every day, sometimes several a day. His basic message is that the media and entertainment industry are controlled by the illuminati and that they're all trying to lure us to Satan, and are actively practicing dark rituals behind the scenes. His channel is meant to expose this wrongdoing and steer people in the right direction.
I've watched too many of his videos and they've rubbed off on me. I feel like my life is tainted, like everything I watch, hear and do is full of sin. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Having been raised in a Christian household, this is something I've struggled with on and off my whole life.
Even as a kid I had serious doubts about the things I had been told, the conclusion I came to was that I could lie to myself, and lie to other people, but I could not lie to god, if he really did exist. God is all knowing, and all powerful, and so he would surely know that I didn't sincerely believe the bible, what else could I do but continue on and accept that I was going to hell for not being a believer? I sure couldn't force myself...
Sometimes I try to make another go at Christianity, and it just never works. My mind is throwing out a billion questions; if we are imperfect before god, then why does he appear to have the same character flaws that we do? Sending us to hell for not believing? Sending people to hell who were raised with the wrong religion? How much does a person have to believe to go to heaven? What percentage of doubt is considered acceptable, before it is deemed insincere? God did not create evil, but if he is all powerful, surely he can remove it. Why are we meant to suffer here? If someone was all powerful, why create such a flawed system? I'm sorry, but the picture crumbles and doesn't hold up to questioning. I think the simple truth is that I try to come back because I'm afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if we really are in the end times and the prophecies are true? In the end everyone will turn away from god, and only those who stay strong and stay on the right path will be saved. I feel afraid, and I wish that I didn't. I feel stuck because on the one hand I don't believe, but on the other I feel like I'm messing up and living a horrible life.
The truth is, I've made more progress with new age teachings and psychology than I ever have with Christianity, or any other organized religion. I hear these testimonies of people who have been "Saved" from blasphemous new age teachings and for some reason it just really scares me. Why do I have such a binary worldview when it comes to this? Why does it feel so scary to take credit for my own personal progress?
Surely I'm not the only one who has struggled with such issues. I would like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. I know that ideas and beliefs instilled at a young age are the strongest, and maybe that's why I have such a difficult time letting go of the fear.
I've watched too many of his videos and they've rubbed off on me. I feel like my life is tainted, like everything I watch, hear and do is full of sin. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Having been raised in a Christian household, this is something I've struggled with on and off my whole life.
Even as a kid I had serious doubts about the things I had been told, the conclusion I came to was that I could lie to myself, and lie to other people, but I could not lie to god, if he really did exist. God is all knowing, and all powerful, and so he would surely know that I didn't sincerely believe the bible, what else could I do but continue on and accept that I was going to hell for not being a believer? I sure couldn't force myself...
Sometimes I try to make another go at Christianity, and it just never works. My mind is throwing out a billion questions; if we are imperfect before god, then why does he appear to have the same character flaws that we do? Sending us to hell for not believing? Sending people to hell who were raised with the wrong religion? How much does a person have to believe to go to heaven? What percentage of doubt is considered acceptable, before it is deemed insincere? God did not create evil, but if he is all powerful, surely he can remove it. Why are we meant to suffer here? If someone was all powerful, why create such a flawed system? I'm sorry, but the picture crumbles and doesn't hold up to questioning. I think the simple truth is that I try to come back because I'm afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if we really are in the end times and the prophecies are true? In the end everyone will turn away from god, and only those who stay strong and stay on the right path will be saved. I feel afraid, and I wish that I didn't. I feel stuck because on the one hand I don't believe, but on the other I feel like I'm messing up and living a horrible life.
The truth is, I've made more progress with new age teachings and psychology than I ever have with Christianity, or any other organized religion. I hear these testimonies of people who have been "Saved" from blasphemous new age teachings and for some reason it just really scares me. Why do I have such a binary worldview when it comes to this? Why does it feel so scary to take credit for my own personal progress?
Surely I'm not the only one who has struggled with such issues. I would like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. I know that ideas and beliefs instilled at a young age are the strongest, and maybe that's why I have such a difficult time letting go of the fear.
