Gem, believe it or not, you just told told 90% of my story.
6 days, congratulations. Those are very tough times. People who can do that on their own I am in awe of. It's something I couldn't do. I tried it but ended up in medical detox. I don't remember much of those days except for the pain.
Feeling lost at this point? You're not alone. ETOH was a daily ritual/answer for me for 17 years. At the end I drank first thing in the morning until pass out, woke up and started again.
Then one day a moment of clarity, I decided that I didn't want to die by chronic ETOH poisoning (BTW, at the end, that was my plan, I had given up on life). So with out the ETOH what the hell was I going to do? I would be boring, there would be no fun or joy in my life, no altered perception of reality which I thought I needed.
The thing is that, at the end, EOTH had already made me that person, I just couldn't see it. I was boring, I never left the house (except to drive drunk to get my next fix). I had driven off all of my friends. It was just me, the TV and Booze. When you have to drink to live, any fun or joy has left the station. I could no longer get back to the happy drunk point. I had to drink, it was no longer a choice. And when I say live, I mean to stop the dry heaves, to stop the shakes, to be able to eat 2 times a week. If I took a shower or brushed my teeth it was a good day. It was so fucked up. What the hell was wrong with me? Where had Mark gone?
After inpatient treatment with AA, there was outpatient treatment and AA. The counselors told me that with my "god problem" I wouldn't make it. Actually that pissed me off enough to prove them wrong. So I did the treatment, I went to the meetings with those fucked up assholes. And a read like a madman. I wanted to understand what exactly was going on in my head biochemically. I wanted to know what would give me my best chance of staying sober.
Every morning when I woke up I'd wonder if that day was the day I'd go back to dying. It was a struggle. But each day I decided that I could put off death one more day. Then, as time and life permitted, I'd work on staying sober. Meetings, talking to other ex-drunks, meditating and reading. And each day got a little better. It did take 9 months for the shakes to completely go away, that was a little disturbing. But I understand why.
The AA people all know that I'm an atheist and for the most part they accept it. I still run into some intolerant assholes. When I do, I leave, not worth my time. But yeah, I have to hear about someones god in almost every meeting. I just lower my head and smirk. Have you noticed yet that each persons conception of god is different. Poor delusional idiots. But if it keeps them sober so I don't care. Tolerance works both ways.
Now 2+ years later I haven't had a drink. Never thought I'd be able to say that during those first 90 days that I refer to as the lost time. Plus, I don't know if I will drink tomorrow. Some total fucked up shit might enter my life and ETOH will be the solution, the escape. I hope not, but I can't say for sure.
I'd love to say "I have the answer for you" but that would be a lie. I only have the answer for my self. You'll need to find your own. Take what you can use from AA and piss on the rest. I can say that the answer comes one day at a time. (I fucking hate their stupid slogans, even if they are right)
OK, that's enough. I wish you well. I'm always here to talk if you want.
Mark
6 days, congratulations. Those are very tough times. People who can do that on their own I am in awe of. It's something I couldn't do. I tried it but ended up in medical detox. I don't remember much of those days except for the pain.
Feeling lost at this point? You're not alone. ETOH was a daily ritual/answer for me for 17 years. At the end I drank first thing in the morning until pass out, woke up and started again.
Then one day a moment of clarity, I decided that I didn't want to die by chronic ETOH poisoning (BTW, at the end, that was my plan, I had given up on life). So with out the ETOH what the hell was I going to do? I would be boring, there would be no fun or joy in my life, no altered perception of reality which I thought I needed.
The thing is that, at the end, EOTH had already made me that person, I just couldn't see it. I was boring, I never left the house (except to drive drunk to get my next fix). I had driven off all of my friends. It was just me, the TV and Booze. When you have to drink to live, any fun or joy has left the station. I could no longer get back to the happy drunk point. I had to drink, it was no longer a choice. And when I say live, I mean to stop the dry heaves, to stop the shakes, to be able to eat 2 times a week. If I took a shower or brushed my teeth it was a good day. It was so fucked up. What the hell was wrong with me? Where had Mark gone?
After inpatient treatment with AA, there was outpatient treatment and AA. The counselors told me that with my "god problem" I wouldn't make it. Actually that pissed me off enough to prove them wrong. So I did the treatment, I went to the meetings with those fucked up assholes. And a read like a madman. I wanted to understand what exactly was going on in my head biochemically. I wanted to know what would give me my best chance of staying sober.
Every morning when I woke up I'd wonder if that day was the day I'd go back to dying. It was a struggle. But each day I decided that I could put off death one more day. Then, as time and life permitted, I'd work on staying sober. Meetings, talking to other ex-drunks, meditating and reading. And each day got a little better. It did take 9 months for the shakes to completely go away, that was a little disturbing. But I understand why.
The AA people all know that I'm an atheist and for the most part they accept it. I still run into some intolerant assholes. When I do, I leave, not worth my time. But yeah, I have to hear about someones god in almost every meeting. I just lower my head and smirk. Have you noticed yet that each persons conception of god is different. Poor delusional idiots. But if it keeps them sober so I don't care. Tolerance works both ways.
Now 2+ years later I haven't had a drink. Never thought I'd be able to say that during those first 90 days that I refer to as the lost time. Plus, I don't know if I will drink tomorrow. Some total fucked up shit might enter my life and ETOH will be the solution, the escape. I hope not, but I can't say for sure.
I'd love to say "I have the answer for you" but that would be a lie. I only have the answer for my self. You'll need to find your own. Take what you can use from AA and piss on the rest. I can say that the answer comes one day at a time. (I fucking hate their stupid slogans, even if they are right)
OK, that's enough. I wish you well. I'm always here to talk if you want.
Mark
Being told you're delusional does not necessarily mean you're mental.
