Muslim Child Abuse

[fr0d0]

[first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

The man is told to advice first, meaning rationally discuss, and if this doesn't work, he can detach himself emotionally and physically (i.e. the last two options). Hence the "striking" is mentioned, which is there only as a permission, but he doesn't have to strike her. Discussing with her is the most important because it is mentioned before anything else.

To many of the macho and arrogant Arabs it was unheard of to discuss with their wives. They viewed them as inferior and trying to engage in a discussion would be a psychological blow to their ego, yet they are being commanded to do so in the Quran. If a husband tries to use this verse to mistreat his wife, then he is committing a sin and abusing his position as a husband in every measure, and he will find no support from the text or from the force of law, as the same verse (4:34) says that he is the guardian and protector, not an enforcer of his own desires.

I don't think you can get away from this. There is specific instruction there that a valid last resort is physical violence - where physical violence is abhorrent.

There is no disclaimer of changeable secular morals (although that is clearly what it is), this is direct from Allah.