Beards can protect you from being gay

[Silver]

I don't take off points if I think a given man could potentially grow only a pathetic and wan attempt at some facial plumage, but I do take off points when they actually demonstrate their failings in this category.

I cannot grow a proper beard to save my life.

I have allowed it to grow for months to no avail. All I can accomplish is a thick peach fuzz that does not even connect as a whole to make a full beard. I cannot even do a proper five o'clock shadow.

I have hair in abundance on my arms, legs, and pubic area. I cannot grow hair on my chest, but I have hair around my nipples and stomach area.

I'm a weird monkey.