The need to believe?

[*Deidre*]

Hi CL - 

This was during the same year that my grandmother died, 2015 - like about 8 months after, and I had been struggling with atheism. I was searching into other religions, aside from Christianity. I wasn't practicing any one particular faith. One day, I felt like the ''Holy Spirit'' was in the room with me. I just felt this overwhelming sense of peace and joy, and it felt like an actual breeze or wind had come through the room. I know it might sound crazy, but I googled this, and people have ''reported'' incidents of having these same types of feelings and chalked it up to a Holy Spirit experience. There are more details than this, but that is the gist, and I think I made the leap to faith, because I was identifying as an atheist then. Became rather indifferent after searching for answers in other faiths after my grandmother's death, so I just resigned myself to the fact that okay, I'm okay with there being no god. But, a few months back into faith, I logically didn't believe the Bible, and still almost felt like I was being intellectually dishonest. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and this is where I'm at with it.

I read something recently about religion/faith, and how there is a scientific explanation as to how our brains tend to bring about a desired effect, so perhaps I was searching for something more to exist, and maybe I just was having a great day in general, and applied faith to the moment. Supposedly, there is a scientific explanation for what we think should happen from faith, and it actually happening, and our minds draw conclusions that there is no logical explanation, it had to be a faith ‘’experience.’’ Or a miracle of some type. But, it felt real back then, when it happened.

Thank you for sharing your story. 

It's impossible to give an opinion on this case in particular because what you experienced was mostly internal/emotional... it wasn't anything tangible that I can really analyze. (unless you mean that literally there was a wave of physical wind in the room, in that case we can talk about whether there were any windows open, vents on, etc)

So yeah, it could have been just your own body naturally feeling that way, and not the Holy Spirit. But I also think it doesn't rule out being the Holy Spirit. And here's why... 

I can tell you I've fallen to my knees and prayed in my most desperate of times, and I've really looked for and hoped to feel the Holy Spirit in those times. I too have heard about people having these supernatural experiences with the Holy Spirit, so I've wanted it to happen to me, and I've looked for it, and sometimes even expected it because I was praying so hard and needing Jesus so much. Nonetheless, I've never been able to feel that. So I'm not sure that it can be so easily explained away like, "oh you only felt that because you expected to, so your body made it up." Because I have have expected it and wanted it, and yet never felt it. And didn't you say you were atheist at the time? So I imagine you were never expecting any of that when it happened. 

Now, I'm not saying that this must mean it truly was the Holy Spirit. I just don't think the old "you felt it because you expected it" is a satisfactory explanation for how this happened to you.

Thank you for your reply, CL. Yea, I've gone around and around in my mind about this. At the time, I was struggling with my grandmother's death, and perhaps it was based on wishful thinking, those ''feelings'' that I had...and I felt it was the Holy Spirit. I had googled other people's experiences with such things, and they were all pretty similar. Maybe it's okay to not always be certain of everything, even as an atheist, I couldn't be certain that my views were right. They were just my views. Just like theists have their views. And so on. I admire that you have stayed true to your faith, even when you might doubt, too. I imagine we all doubt from time to time.