(November 2, 2017 at 1:06 am)Hammy Wrote: If no one would remember or miss me . . . I would take that 'kill switch' 90% of the time at least . . . if we're talking truly painless.
To be clear I am not remotely suicidal and would never attempt suicide for a second time. I neither wish to live nor die most of the time. Occasionally I enjoy myself but even then I feel empty and as though my life is not ever going to go anywhere because it's not like I even have any desirable goals I wish to achieve or if there's even anything I'd want to buy or invest in if I won the jackpot lottery. Nor can I give myself credit for any failures or successes as there is no free will. I wish to have better relationships and closer friendships with people but for those things to be truly meaningful they have to be mutual. So it's not something I myself can cause. And then atop of all this there's the fact I'm an epiphenomenalist so no amount of thinking or deciding or planning will in fact cause a better life for myself because ultimately it's my unconscious brain functions that trigger my conscious deliberations. So I just have to hope to have better ideas, decisions, deliberations and have to hope to follow through and become better motivated, somehow, someday, goodness willing. My life really feels like spectating myself, really, utterly powerless, out of control, chaotic and empty, but not chaotic in any sort of necessary destructive way. Mostly just a stagnant way. But most of the time too neutral to be depressing but still too neutral to be worthwhile.
I've had a few crystallized great moments in my life. And that's what really gives my life meaning. It's quality, not quantity. I hope to someday come into contact with more beautiful moments. However brief they are. I both crave and fear acuteness more than I crave or fear anything more permanent.
I don't know whether this was poetic or depressing.
I'm not chaotic good, I'm chaotic neutral, and my life is what it is.
But at least you don't believe in God!
