Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[pocaracas]

CIJS- it’s emotionally exhausting to send my kids to school every day praying to all the gods I don’t believe in that nothing bad will happen to them. Some days I just break down and cry. I don’t know how normal people deal with this. Seems like most people don’t even find it terrifying but I do.

Long winded monologue that pretty much says I understand you Losty.

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I haven't told anyone this other than my husband but I cried when I found out I was having a girl and not a boy. It wasn't happy tears it was fear. I actually disconnected from her emotionally for months after. I went into the pregnancy wanting a baby and knowing that I had a 50/50 chance to have a girl but I kept saying my husband is the 8th of his name meaning for 8 generations his family has had boys. I picked out the nickname for a boy and all my images of my baby were of a boy. It wasn't just that I wanted a boy it was that I didn't want a girl because I couldn't handle someone hurting her like I was hurt as a child. When I was told she was a girl I broke down crying because everything that I had been stashing away in the back of my head came flooding in and I was so sure I could never protect her and I didn't want to even deal with the fear and anxiety of having a girl. I was outwardly happy about having a baby but I cried almost every night and didn't want to ever give birth to her because then she would be separated from me and I couldn't protect her.

I've always loved her more than anything but she gives me such anxiety and I didn't connect to her fully for two weeks. It was like my mind didn't want to get too attached to her so that it wouldn't hurt so much if something happened to her. I didn't let my husband really take care of her much and when he held her I was right there. One time he was trying to soothe her but he was getting frustrated because of lack of sleep. He didn't touch her but he got really upset, I took her from him and left. I just sat there holding her and crying hysterically because I didn't know how I was supposed to do this parent thing if I couldn't trust even her own father. He never did anything to make me not trust him but I didn't trust any man.

Since then I've had to leave her at daycare (crying hysterically for the first day, she only goes 1-3 days a week depending on Tony's schedule and yet I still am late to work every time because I have such a hard time leaving her) or leaving her with Tony. He is her father and he is such an amazing father so I leave her with him but every day when I get home I take her from him immediately and don't give her back. Half because I missed her half because... I reckon I trust him more now but I still prefer her with me over him. Her grandfather picks her up three times a month but it's literally just before the daycare closes and he keeps her in her seat until I get to the parking lot to pick her up. He is never alone with her in a private setting. The only person I've ever fully trusted is my mom, not even Tony's mom, just mine.

I reckon if I am at least functioning leaving her at daycare I will be ok with school but the daycare I know she isn't alone with men, I don't know how to make sure of that at school. Deep breath Mandy, that's in years. Let's just get through this situation before freaking out over the next.

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Oh Mandy... as justified as your fears may be, you must let your daughter's family do their "job". "It takes a village" to raise a kid. Don't do it all on your own.
Trust her with the people in whom you trust. You can't control everything, sure, but don't be overprotective because of a slim chance that the people you know are trustworthy may turn out to be abusive.
Mistrust breeds mistrust and, before you know it, you'll be left with little help.