The Ten modern biblical plagues

[Cecelia]

And so Moses went and asked the President "Let my people go"
And The President said "No. Fake News! We're not holding any slaves."
God had hardened his heart.

And so God punished the people of America, by making everyone drink water from Detroit. Unfortunately nobody still cared.

So on the second day Moses went and asked the President "Let my people go!"
And the President said "Fine, you can go! In fact you're deported. We never wanted you here anyway. Go back to Mexico and wander in the dessert for like 40 years."
But God hardened the President's heart, and made him change his mind -- not sure how that worked, but apparently it did... probably because the President realized he needed the labor to work Mar-A-Lago.

So God decided to punish the people of America with a second plague: Frogs. He decided frogs was a good idea the first time, so why not use that again? So we get a lot of Frogs, and probably a lot of Frog Memes. Most people don't even notice there's a plague, they're going "oh look at the cute little frogs!"

On the third day Moses again returns and asks the President to let his people go.
"God totally didn't say that. Fake news."
So again, the President refuses.

God decides to unleash a 3rd plague. A mass influx of illegal immigrants. The President only promises that the wall just got 10 feet higher, and that it's totally going to be paid for by Mexico through Americans.

So on the 4th day Moses returns and asks the President to let his People go.
The PResident goes "no, there's totally more important stuff going on. By the way, did you know I won the electoral votes in michigan? Totally awesome, right? All me. Everyone said I couldn't do it. FAKE NEWS!

God decides then to unleash a 4th plague: Wild Rats in every starbucks.
Unfortunately Republicans don't care, and see it as God punishing the gays because Starbucks is a liberal establishment.

5th day the process repeats. Moses asks the President to let his people go. The President says "No, we need the cheap labor so I can like build the wall I said I was going to build. Turns out you CAN'T make foreign countries pay for whatever you want. Believe me -- I asked. They said they wouldn't pay off Stormy Daniels for me either. Can you believe it?"

God then unleashes his 5th plague: He cancels everyone's netflix subscription. Everyone panics as they can't watch Stranger Things or A Series of Unfortunate Events.

So Moses returns to the President again, and once more asks him to let his people go.

"Fake news. Already released them already. You can check!"

God then unleashes his 6th plague: he gives everyone acne. This causes an even bigger freakout, and a mass increase in sales of dermatological goods. Acne, it really is the modern day boils.

Trump's finally ready to give in after that one. "Just take away all the hideous stuff! I mean Melania's only like a three with that acne! eww, gross! Even Ivanka's hideous now."

But God decides to harden Trump's heart, and makes him change his mind again. (Congress is getting pretty mad at this point -- God's stealing their schitck)

God then unleashes his 7th plauge: Acid Rain. Most people don't notice, and everyone on FOX News is talking about how it's NOT global warming at all, and this is totally normal.

The next day, Moses asks the President again to let his people go.
Trump again says no. "Never gonna happen. Forget about it. Did I mention There was absolutely NO Collusion. None."

So god unleashes his 8th plague: Telemarketers. The modern day equivalent of locusts. Even people on the no call list get calls.

The next day, Moses goes back to the President. The secret service by now knows his name, and his schtick. "not letting my people go, right?"
"Obviously," says Trump.

So God unleashes his 9th and most terrible plague: No internet for 3 days. Everyone is driven to madness over the lack of cat videos to the point most of them go out and buy cats and put them in cute outfits. Only they don't have anywhere to post the videos of them doing cute things.

Moses goes back to Trump, and Trump tells him "Not gonna happen. I'm the best deal maker ever. Believe me. And I'm not making that deal. That's a bad deal."

So god decides to unleashe the last plague: He takes Donald Trump Jr. Donald doesn't even notice. So God also takes Ivanka, at which point Trump is on his knees BEGGING to get to bang her at least once. He finally agrees to let Moses's people go. "I don't even know who that moses guy is anyway. Fake news."

Unfortunately for god, Congress disagrees, and not even God can get Congress to act on anything. So Moses and his people are fucked, and God realizes that the greatest plague of all is the Republican Party.