I've never been at the top of the social ladder, neither as a child at school or as an adult. At school I was that awkward kid that always got picked last for everything, and when I was with my friends, was bottom of that group as well, generally put down most of the time in one way or another, ostensibly jokily... often the butt of jokes/pranks etc... or otherwise subtly, but basically I, and they, knew my place. Walking with them I would tend to walk behind them rather than next to them because I never really felt equal with them... I never felt like I fitted in anywhere and always felt everyone else was better than me. It got worse after I came out when I got even more isolated. So yeah, I'm used to criticism whether it's overt or a more subtle kind, and even in the possible absence of it, sometimes still assume it.
As an adult I'm still socially naive and awkward, but I no longer try to fit in or seek a social life. I just go where the wind blows really, and only really go out to socialise if I'm invited somewhere and want to go... but even then it usually takes a bit of persuasion on their part. I have a few long term/long distance, friends who I don't see for sometimes months or years at a time, then they ring up out of the blue and invite me somewhere, like for Pride on Saturday last, and we meet up and have a good time, and it's just the same as it always was and then it's like see you again... whenever... could be a week, could be a year, could be five years, but whatever it is, it's like no time has passed inbetween... which is a pretty cool way for a friendship to be I think.
Other than that I have one close friend nearby and my family as the extent of my social life. As of relatively recently, my friend and I have started socialising more than we used to, as we've grown closer; going to the pub and going out on his boat. It came as a great surprise to me when he said I was welcome to take his boat out on my own any time I wanted, because I'm not used to that kind of trust and respect. That's part of why I have so much trouble with intimacy... and why I don't really seek relationships any more, after having been burned and taken advantage of too many times; because I have very low self-esteem and find it hard to imagine or accept anyone loving or respecting me. So my friend offering me that was very meaningful for me.
But despite my problems I've still grown a lot since I was at school. I don't care about socially fitting in any more, and have enough self-respect now to recognise a relationship or social situation that is no good for me and to walk away and to recognise what love is and what it is not. For instance an old boyfriend put me down once too often and I walked away, and basically blanked him ever since. And a friend of a friend who was a major game-player, a queen bee type, subtly playing people off against each other etc and very needy and bitchy... basically very manipulative/controlling, whether she was aware of it or not, and after a while of that, walked away from her as well; I have no time or inclination for game-players or highly conditional friendships. Still have trouble saying no sometimes but I'm getting much better.
Now basically I'm much more aloof and happy that way, and that's largely due to my interest in Buddhism. In the past I might have been described as clingy but now I'm about as far from that as I could be. I want my own space, and want others to have theirs, and don't like to be socially dependent on others. So now IRL just as much as here, I just dip in and out of social interactions, and try to maintain a certain level of comfortable detachment.
So what's the moral of the story? I don't know
just I guess that I understand where you're coming from, but there are always lights at ends of tunnels, even if they come in different forms than you expect. Ultimately life is a journey of growth and learning, even if only in baby steps or at the cost of hard knocks. For me it's a bit of both, but my current social situation and approach is something I'm perfectly happy with - it's not settling, it's what I want, so ultimately I'm happy with it.
As an adult I'm still socially naive and awkward, but I no longer try to fit in or seek a social life. I just go where the wind blows really, and only really go out to socialise if I'm invited somewhere and want to go... but even then it usually takes a bit of persuasion on their part. I have a few long term/long distance, friends who I don't see for sometimes months or years at a time, then they ring up out of the blue and invite me somewhere, like for Pride on Saturday last, and we meet up and have a good time, and it's just the same as it always was and then it's like see you again... whenever... could be a week, could be a year, could be five years, but whatever it is, it's like no time has passed inbetween... which is a pretty cool way for a friendship to be I think.
Other than that I have one close friend nearby and my family as the extent of my social life. As of relatively recently, my friend and I have started socialising more than we used to, as we've grown closer; going to the pub and going out on his boat. It came as a great surprise to me when he said I was welcome to take his boat out on my own any time I wanted, because I'm not used to that kind of trust and respect. That's part of why I have so much trouble with intimacy... and why I don't really seek relationships any more, after having been burned and taken advantage of too many times; because I have very low self-esteem and find it hard to imagine or accept anyone loving or respecting me. So my friend offering me that was very meaningful for me.
But despite my problems I've still grown a lot since I was at school. I don't care about socially fitting in any more, and have enough self-respect now to recognise a relationship or social situation that is no good for me and to walk away and to recognise what love is and what it is not. For instance an old boyfriend put me down once too often and I walked away, and basically blanked him ever since. And a friend of a friend who was a major game-player, a queen bee type, subtly playing people off against each other etc and very needy and bitchy... basically very manipulative/controlling, whether she was aware of it or not, and after a while of that, walked away from her as well; I have no time or inclination for game-players or highly conditional friendships. Still have trouble saying no sometimes but I'm getting much better.
Now basically I'm much more aloof and happy that way, and that's largely due to my interest in Buddhism. In the past I might have been described as clingy but now I'm about as far from that as I could be. I want my own space, and want others to have theirs, and don't like to be socially dependent on others. So now IRL just as much as here, I just dip in and out of social interactions, and try to maintain a certain level of comfortable detachment.
So what's the moral of the story? I don't know
just I guess that I understand where you're coming from, but there are always lights at ends of tunnels, even if they come in different forms than you expect. Ultimately life is a journey of growth and learning, even if only in baby steps or at the cost of hard knocks. For me it's a bit of both, but my current social situation and approach is something I'm perfectly happy with - it's not settling, it's what I want, so ultimately I'm happy with it.
