(November 19, 2018 at 9:22 am)Mr.Obvious Wrote: Entrenchedadditions by me #syllable/#scheme
The soil soaks with the blood of brothers - 9a
though the iron is not bound to the ground: -9b
It is flung forth from us to the others - 9a
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount - 11(b-ish)
and ride towards the glow of the rising sun. - 10c
Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder, - 10d
the struggle for a horse has only just begun: - 12c
Kill the man you were and let it thunder. - 9d
Worry only how to live with yourself -10e
after you make sure that you'll live. - 8f
Forget the One and his band of twelve - 9(e-ish)
and the forgiveness that He might give. -9f
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war. -10a
Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder, -10d
the high horse of dawn grazes too far. -9a(with liberties)
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder. -9d
If you were to match the syllable content to the rhyme scheme or unify the syllable count I believe you'd be happy with that flow and it would
Even if it's 9 , 9, 9, 10 over and over or something else. Note that keeping a syllable count then having a longer one at the end emphasizes the end of a stanza and adds order to a poem. Think of this:
Oh(oh), say can you see -6
by the dawn's early light -6
What so proudly we hailed -6
at the twilight's last gleaming? -7
Where as putting the syllable change mid scheme signifies movement but not finale:
And the rocket's red glare, -6
the bombs bursting in air, -6
Gave proof through the night -5
that our flag was still there. -6
"There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word 'Christian' has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry." -- Philip Stater, Huffington Post
always working on cleaning my windows- me regarding Johari
always working on cleaning my windows- me regarding Johari
