If Jesus had ascended into Heaven...

[zebo-the-fat]

...he would have gone into orbit.  Not sure where this quote comes from; I once heard that it originated with John Shelby Spong.

First off, this is not correct.  Simply ascending straight up does not impart angular momentum, even at the height of a geocentric orbit.  As such, if Jesus did ascend even to height of 35,000 kilometers, gravity would have still pulled him down to the earth, if he decided to part with his magic powers.  But, he would not be in orbit about the Earth unless he gave himself orbital angular momentum.  Now, if he ascended far enough away from the Earth, then he would be in orbit about the Sun, provided that he would reach a Lagrangian point that is stable, L4 or L5.  But, on the other hand, if Jesus did have some sort of invisible magical ladder, then such would have provided him with angular momentum as he ascended the ladder into Heaven, but as the ladder was not at the equator, it would not have been sufficient to provide enough angular momentum to keep Jesus in a geostationary orbit, and so, he would need to have climbed the ladder above and beyond that of a geostationary orbit, unless some more miracle magic was involved.  Of course, if he moved far enough away from the Earth, then he would be in orbit about the Sun, Galaxy, Local Group, etc.

This also gives rise to the question, if he ascended into heaven, how high is heaven, 1 mile, 100, 1000 ???