(September 24, 2019 at 1:13 pm)EgoDeath Wrote: I had the recent experience of having a family member ask for some money. I won't go into details, as it's really not important, but I will add that since the gift was given, I am weary of continuing this trend. It wasn't a loan, it was a one-time gift, and I made that clear. However, I'm worried that this family member may begin to expect more money as time goes on. I have no problem helping someone in need, especially if it's someone I care about. But the concern about enabling someone you love is a very real one, and I don't want this family member to think I'm their ticket to a free ride.
Have any of you guys had experience with this? How do you avoid enabling someone when you want to support them? Surely, I'm not breaking the bank by doing what I did, but I don't want it to continue either, even if I can afford it. It's one thing to help someone out once in a while, it's another to enable them into thinking they don't have to work or can depend on you for money.
I suppose many parents deal with this type of dilemma with their children, but in this case the person is older than me. I just don't want this to turn into bad blood. Sometimes when you start to treat people a certain way, they expect that treatment forever, then treat you like the bad guy when that treatment stops. Even if you never owed it to them in the first place.
As someone who had depended on their late mother, me, financially my entire life, the problem isn't giving, the problem is can you afford it. It is certainly wrong if you can't and it becomes a financial burden on you, in that case you are right to cut them off. But if you can afford it and it isn't draining you, the only expectation you can have is that they don't suck you dry and understand a gift isn't an opportunity to suck you dry.
I had help financially my entire life. But I never would have, nor ever would have taken my mother's last dime. And my late mother was no fool, she never would have let me drain her, and she never did. Nor did I ever think my asking her for help was out of greed, because it was never that.
My mom always expected me to try, no matter what I did. And while she was the financial breadwinner, she always expected me to help her in kind, with whatever I could do, which I did. So as long as you are getting something back, even if not money, but moral or work around the house, then you are fine. It only becomes bad when you give and they are seeking to drain you.
Mutual help isn't always about gender roles or male or female or parent child. It is ok to help family out, as long as they are not draining you and the person asking for help knows you are not a doormat.
