RE: Supporting Family Members Financially
September 24, 2019 at 10:37 pm
(This post was last modified: September 24, 2019 at 10:41 pm by mordant.)
I've experienced this issue from various angles:
1) My daughter has had a tendency to expect to be able to hit me up for financial help, beginning in college and continuing past her 1st and 2nd marriages and it continues occasionally to this day, when she is a grown-ass woman of 40 years, employed as a nurse who makes a decent salary. Most recently, her 14 year old son wanted to go to a summer arts camp (cost: $2500) and she set up a GoFundMe page for it and solicited donations from all her FB followers. Given the above facts, she only got around $500, and $0 of that came from me. Some who donated begged off until they got their tax refund or next paycheck, but she didn't take the hint; she took the money. From what I've seen, through stuff like this, she extorts $$ from in laws and ex in laws in exchange for continued access to her four children. To make it more vulgar than it already was, she mentioned that next year it's going to cost even more, so get ready for that too. "It takes a village" she says. My thought on this (and I hate to say it of my own daughter) is that it's narcissistic. There's a cartoon in circulation about a guy setting up a GoFundMe page because he wants a Ferrari. His friend say, um, aren't those for, like, raising money for a school bus for poor kids or something? And he says, i don't want a school bus, I want a Ferrari. Perhaps you'd like to kick it off with a generous donation? Although exaggerated, that's a decent characterization of my daughter's basic attitude. The irony here is that I always had set expectations with my kids of an "18 and out" philosophy. My attitude is that once you leave the nest, my work here is done. Besides, my son never pulled this shit. On the other hand ...
2. My stepson, who is a high functioning autistic, with comorbid social anxiety, moved in with us after a 7 year struggle resulting in him finally finishing his undergraduate degree (in part because of more than one long drive to university to scrape him off the floor and help him get squared away with the disability office and various accommodations, and pulling him out a couple of times to regroup and try again next semester). His biological father pays his health insurance and mostly paid for his college, and we're giving him free room and board now for over a year, and I've given him work subcontracting for me (he's terrific at it). Slowly he is figuring out the rest of his life, but my wife and I are unsure if he'll be gone in a year or two or if this is going to go on forever. He's weaned himself off a cocktail of medications, which was challenging, and currently working to get certain physical, psychological and neurological evaluations to figure out how best to proceed with therapy and self-improvement. It's hard to strike a balance between pushing him out of the nest and putting him in situations he genuinely can't handle. Best guess is he'll get his own apartment in a year or so, and live nearby but more on his own for the self-respect and practice of being more fully responsible for his own day to day existence. In the meantime he has, without being asked, sprung for some ordered-in food, sometimes cooks for us, consistently helps with housework. In other words this is a completely different attitude from my daughter. To whatever extent he does not live up to the usual self-sufficiency and behavioral expectations of a normal 27 year old, he's genuinely unable.
3. I loaned money to one of my older brothers; he was, in the past, an inspiration and mentor to me. He fell on hard times for various reasons, most proximally his wife's medical expenses and his lack of having any medical insurance. I did two things: I helped him with some bridge funding and urged him to take a union job with health benefits, which he did. He paid me back ahead of schedule. He did not ask me for the $$ and has never asked since that round of assistance (it's been over 10 years). This strikes me as a pretty clear-cut good decision with no downsides given that, at the time, I could afford it. This is what family is for.
So there you have it -- a No, a provisional Yes, and an enthusiastic Yes.
It's mostly a matter of healthy, clearly stated, and kindly enforced interpersonal boundaries.
1) My daughter has had a tendency to expect to be able to hit me up for financial help, beginning in college and continuing past her 1st and 2nd marriages and it continues occasionally to this day, when she is a grown-ass woman of 40 years, employed as a nurse who makes a decent salary. Most recently, her 14 year old son wanted to go to a summer arts camp (cost: $2500) and she set up a GoFundMe page for it and solicited donations from all her FB followers. Given the above facts, she only got around $500, and $0 of that came from me. Some who donated begged off until they got their tax refund or next paycheck, but she didn't take the hint; she took the money. From what I've seen, through stuff like this, she extorts $$ from in laws and ex in laws in exchange for continued access to her four children. To make it more vulgar than it already was, she mentioned that next year it's going to cost even more, so get ready for that too. "It takes a village" she says. My thought on this (and I hate to say it of my own daughter) is that it's narcissistic. There's a cartoon in circulation about a guy setting up a GoFundMe page because he wants a Ferrari. His friend say, um, aren't those for, like, raising money for a school bus for poor kids or something? And he says, i don't want a school bus, I want a Ferrari. Perhaps you'd like to kick it off with a generous donation? Although exaggerated, that's a decent characterization of my daughter's basic attitude. The irony here is that I always had set expectations with my kids of an "18 and out" philosophy. My attitude is that once you leave the nest, my work here is done. Besides, my son never pulled this shit. On the other hand ...
2. My stepson, who is a high functioning autistic, with comorbid social anxiety, moved in with us after a 7 year struggle resulting in him finally finishing his undergraduate degree (in part because of more than one long drive to university to scrape him off the floor and help him get squared away with the disability office and various accommodations, and pulling him out a couple of times to regroup and try again next semester). His biological father pays his health insurance and mostly paid for his college, and we're giving him free room and board now for over a year, and I've given him work subcontracting for me (he's terrific at it). Slowly he is figuring out the rest of his life, but my wife and I are unsure if he'll be gone in a year or two or if this is going to go on forever. He's weaned himself off a cocktail of medications, which was challenging, and currently working to get certain physical, psychological and neurological evaluations to figure out how best to proceed with therapy and self-improvement. It's hard to strike a balance between pushing him out of the nest and putting him in situations he genuinely can't handle. Best guess is he'll get his own apartment in a year or so, and live nearby but more on his own for the self-respect and practice of being more fully responsible for his own day to day existence. In the meantime he has, without being asked, sprung for some ordered-in food, sometimes cooks for us, consistently helps with housework. In other words this is a completely different attitude from my daughter. To whatever extent he does not live up to the usual self-sufficiency and behavioral expectations of a normal 27 year old, he's genuinely unable.
3. I loaned money to one of my older brothers; he was, in the past, an inspiration and mentor to me. He fell on hard times for various reasons, most proximally his wife's medical expenses and his lack of having any medical insurance. I did two things: I helped him with some bridge funding and urged him to take a union job with health benefits, which he did. He paid me back ahead of schedule. He did not ask me for the $$ and has never asked since that round of assistance (it's been over 10 years). This strikes me as a pretty clear-cut good decision with no downsides given that, at the time, I could afford it. This is what family is for.
So there you have it -- a No, a provisional Yes, and an enthusiastic Yes.
It's mostly a matter of healthy, clearly stated, and kindly enforced interpersonal boundaries.
