Life lessons from Rev. Rye

[Rev. Rye]

I've decided to write some "life lessons" and I've been serialising them on my blog. There are about 227 of them written down so far, but I'll put a few of them down on this forum. Be forewarned that many of these lessons get dark and downright insane. Just be prepared to take them with a grain of salt so you can enjoy.

Here are the first 25:

1.Never underestimate the possibility that both sides of a given conflict are beyond redemption.
2.Very few charities will accept sperm as a donation, even if it is worth more than they've raised all day.
3.There is no such thing as “The Song that Ends The Earth,” so quit trying to write it.
4.Using rabies to go back in time to become your entire male line of ancestors only works in Chuck Palahniuk novels.
5.Using rabies to go back in time to become both your entire male and female line of ancestors doesn't even work in Chuck Palahniuk novels.
6.None of Van Morrison's songs have actual lyrics.
7.Jumping into the shark tank at the Shedd Aquarium is a bad idea, especially when you're nude and fully aroused.
8.Stephenie Meyer will never allow a spin-off to Twilight where Bella dies and Edward and Jacob bond over drinks and realise how much they've been wasting their times with her to exist.
9.Do not expect people to agree with you that Thirty H's is one of the great short stories of all time, right up there with “A Good Man is Hard to Find,” “The Overcoat,” “Hills like White Elephants,” and “A Perfect Day For Bananafish.”
10.It was not Aquinas who said that the best things in life were “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.”
11.The stars and planets do not heave through the void just to be “skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles.”
12.No matter how similar their shows are, HLN will never combine Jane Velez-Mitchell's and Nancy Grace's shows into one show called “Two Hours' Hate.” That would make too much sense.
13.Whenever you are in a hurry, the hounds of Hell will come to do everything they can to slow everything down.
14.Do not expect to be able to get a vegan to eat meat.
15.This goes triple if you've baked somebody who wronged them into a pie.
16.The Olsen twins will never sign on to a remake of Dead Ringers with themselves in Jeremy Irons' roles.
17.Doing a bad Billy Conolly impression somehow causes people to understand you more than speaking normally. Nobody knows why.
18.80% of all transvestites are heterosexuals. Don't expect anyone to acknowledge this fact.
19.Some people are sexually attracted to anything, whether animal, vegetable, or mineral, many of whom are Dwarfs.
20.Drilling a hole in the ground and humping it does not count as having sex with the planet Earth.
21.“Devourer of Worlds” is not a title that you can add to the end of your name.
22.Do not expect to be able to get away with saying anything is against your religion if you just created it.
23.There is No Spoon.
24.Do not claim that you have come up with things that cause David Lynch to scream like a little girl until you've actually met him.
25.No matter how much you may think your life sucks, there is always somebody who has it worse. His name is Christian W. Chandler and he lives in Ruckersville, VA.