Extra kudos from me to shell and min. I have no idea what happened.
Anyways, I read this before anyone had posted and came to the most of the same conclusions as shell. The big thing is that wasn't put together to have a flow of sentences expanding on your idea. I don't know if you meant this to be your thesis paragraph, but if you did, the importance of that paragraph is to clearly and concisely state the point you want to make with your writing that follows. I would suggest starting from scratch with a thesis paragraph.
Anyways, I read this before anyone had posted and came to the most of the same conclusions as shell. The big thing is that wasn't put together to have a flow of sentences expanding on your idea. I don't know if you meant this to be your thesis paragraph, but if you did, the importance of that paragraph is to clearly and concisely state the point you want to make with your writing that follows. I would suggest starting from scratch with a thesis paragraph.
Even if the open windows of science at first make us shiver after the cozy indoor warmth of traditional humanizing myths, in the end the fresh air brings vigor, and the great spaces have a splendor of their own - Bertrand Russell
