Ex-Christian

[Confused-by-christianity]

intellectually you felt that you were always trying to keep your religion going?? Like propping it up becomes exhausting?

That's partly true.  Eventually I couldn't reconcile the dissonance.  The belief simply fell away at one point.  I knew I didn't believe it, and quit the church.

The loss of belief was freeing.  It was like a weight was removed.  Cognitive dissonance has a price.  I did miss the community, but I went to a new UU community.

I wonder what people think of when they think of god??

I think of a being that we are too small to fully understand.
I think of religion as having a job to do, which is to be a stepping stone to a slightly clearer view of god.
So it doesn't need to be all correct all the time. It needs to have bits that can get us closer to viewing god.

I guess the question "why do i even believe in god in the first place" - I don't know the answer.