zentor Wrote:and no faith i dont drink
Good. It's best to stay away from drugs all together. I know people in your situation use them as a coping mechanism, but they offer only short term releif and cause more problems in the long run.
As for the rest of your post, I get the feeling that you desperately want us to assure you, or convince you, that god does not exist. What you ought to do though, is put this whole question of why god is doing this on the back burner, and concentrate on what you need to do to get better. Once you figure out what needs to be done in your life, then you can move on to the issue of the existence of god.
And do you really have control over your life? I know in my bad times people would tell me to take control, and I was assured that I did have control. I had not truly examined my life, however, to actually figure out what I needed to take control of. In other words, I thought I had control, but I really didn't. So, I ask again, do you really have control over all the things that you can have control over?
Even if the open windows of science at first make us shiver after the cozy indoor warmth of traditional humanizing myths, in the end the fresh air brings vigor, and the great spaces have a splendor of their own - Bertrand Russell
