The word "friend" means different things to each gender. For women, the word means "no sex". For men, the word means "no commitment".
This lesson was underscored for me during my youth. I was a lot less experienced in the pitfalls of relationship navigation. This woman I was dating had a "friendship first" rule that she apparently followed. Now I understood this meant no physical intimacy but it also meant, in her mind, that I wasn't freed of any commitment to her.
If I had to do that courtship over again, I'd have sat down with her and hashed out exactly what the rules are and helped her set realistic expectations or cut and run early and save myself the trouble. Anytime your perspective partner has strange rules, you definitely need to nail down what those rules are because they'll make assumptions that you somehow just know. It would have saved me a lot of drama later.
I later learned that part of her un-communicated expectations was that I was supposed to enter a monastery and stay there for some unspecified period of time while she decides whether or not to get around to upgrading me to boyfriend status. Meanwhile, I assumed I was at liberty to pursue other options and did so without a second thought. After all, we had no relationship. We were "just friends" (male-speak for "no commitment").
After about six months of dating as "just friends", I attended a party she threw. There I met a friend of hers that I really liked. We talked for a bit and I got her phone number. Miss Firends-First had this strange "cookie-cutter smile" like she was trying to be nice and maintain decorum at her party for the rest of the evening. She later blew up at me over the phone and ended our courtship. I was surprised by all this, "WTF, I'm not even ONE timing you!" She had a different understanding of what the rules were, I learned. Not sure what happened between her and her friend. Her friend never returned my calls.
Women and men seem to have different reactions hearing this story. Men shake their heads and laugh about this and wonder what's her problem. Women seem a bit more sympathetic to her. One woman asked me if I couldn't have been more discreet when I hit on her friend. Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong and I don't do that anyway. I've never cheated on any partner, male or female. This wasn't cheating because we had no relationship.
The lesson I took away was always be aware of what the other person's expectations are, especially in courtship where the rules aren't always communicated clearly. This is especially true if your prospect has strange rules. As unromantic as it may be, the thing to do in that situation would have been to sit down with her and nail down what exactly the rules are.
This lesson was underscored for me during my youth. I was a lot less experienced in the pitfalls of relationship navigation. This woman I was dating had a "friendship first" rule that she apparently followed. Now I understood this meant no physical intimacy but it also meant, in her mind, that I wasn't freed of any commitment to her.
If I had to do that courtship over again, I'd have sat down with her and hashed out exactly what the rules are and helped her set realistic expectations or cut and run early and save myself the trouble. Anytime your perspective partner has strange rules, you definitely need to nail down what those rules are because they'll make assumptions that you somehow just know. It would have saved me a lot of drama later.
I later learned that part of her un-communicated expectations was that I was supposed to enter a monastery and stay there for some unspecified period of time while she decides whether or not to get around to upgrading me to boyfriend status. Meanwhile, I assumed I was at liberty to pursue other options and did so without a second thought. After all, we had no relationship. We were "just friends" (male-speak for "no commitment").
After about six months of dating as "just friends", I attended a party she threw. There I met a friend of hers that I really liked. We talked for a bit and I got her phone number. Miss Firends-First had this strange "cookie-cutter smile" like she was trying to be nice and maintain decorum at her party for the rest of the evening. She later blew up at me over the phone and ended our courtship. I was surprised by all this, "WTF, I'm not even ONE timing you!" She had a different understanding of what the rules were, I learned. Not sure what happened between her and her friend. Her friend never returned my calls.
Women and men seem to have different reactions hearing this story. Men shake their heads and laugh about this and wonder what's her problem. Women seem a bit more sympathetic to her. One woman asked me if I couldn't have been more discreet when I hit on her friend. Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong and I don't do that anyway. I've never cheated on any partner, male or female. This wasn't cheating because we had no relationship.
The lesson I took away was always be aware of what the other person's expectations are, especially in courtship where the rules aren't always communicated clearly. This is especially true if your prospect has strange rules. As unromantic as it may be, the thing to do in that situation would have been to sit down with her and nail down what exactly the rules are.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
... -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
... -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
