I was at the zoo today..or..the true adventures of Dotard.

[Dotard]

Where ence is this holy goard and shoe, mighty Dotard?

Ence is a suffix attached to verbs to form nouns of process or fact equivalent to -ance. Like "absent" to "absence".

But I do believe you meant where is the shoe and goard?

If so, over the millinium I have kept them safe as a souvenir and today I keep them in the prop room of a movie studio. That's 'film studio' to you foreigners.

(There are replicas on display in a movie (film) museum. Can't let the real ones in the public eye lest they be stolen and I don't want to add to the whole bee's nest of differing beliefs.)

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I must do this because at one time the real ones were on display and Arcanus, John Paul and Frodo decided to swipe (steal, nicker) them. They grabbed them and ran. I joined the chase (thrill of the chase excites Gods even) but we lost sight of them.

While searching we came upon a old farmers barn. I look inside and just see some hay and lumpy potato sacks. I figure I'd better kick the sacks to be sure.

I kick the first one (Arcanus was in it) and I heard "Bow Wow Ruff Ruff". Ahhh, this sack has puppies in it.

I kick the second one (John Paul) and I heard "Meow Meow". Ahhh, this sack has kittens in it.

I kick the third (Frodo's hiding place) and I hear him yell "Potatos!"

Got my stuff back.

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One time in a parallel universe I decided to live umong my creations. So I make myself human and set up a home.

Like humans I was a bit vane so at the age of 57 years I got me some cosmetic surgery.

After healing I went for a stroll to show off my new face.

I stopped by the news stand and asked the proprietor "How old do you think I am?"

"38?" the man answers. "HA! I'm 57!" and I walk off proudly.

I stop at the butchers shop and ask the butcher "How old do you think I am?"

"41?" answers the butcher. "HA! I'm 57!" I stroll off really smug now.

At the bus stop a little old lady is waiting. I decide to ask; "Ma'am? How old do you think I am?"

The old lady says, "Well, I can tell your age just by reaching into your pants and fondling your junk"

Intrigued I say "ok, try it" The old lady reaches into my pants and fondles a few minutes.

"57." she says.

"WOW! That is amazing! You're right! How did you do that?"

She replied, "I was standing behind you at the Butcher Shop."