Is it a constant struggle to keep believing?

[Tonus]

So what was it like? Were you constantly having doubts, or could you play mental gymnastics and ignore these for large periods of time? Or just assume it was true and not really think properly about it?

It felt normal. No doubts, and the mental gymnastics did not feel as such. Yes to the third question. Then again, I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, and they are a very insular group that works very hard to enforce a specific worldview among the membership that makes it easier to swallow the company line. If you have the deep subconscious acceptance that god exists, the question never comes up because OF COURSE he exists. That makes the rest of it easier.

I think for me, the subconscious belief fell apart long before I finally accepted that I did not believe in god, because for me there wasn't much of a fight. I drifted from the organization, always promising myself I'd return, and one day realized that I was never going to return because there was nothing to return to. It was at that point that I began to read 'forbidden outside sources' to learn about the WTS, and it was after that when I decided to read atheist books and websites.

There was probably a period there where I tried to keep the structure of faith from crumbling. It probably didn't help that I kept pulling bricks out of it. :o Hey, they told us to question what we read and heard. They probably didn't intend for us to reach the conclusion that I did, but that's just how it goes sometimes.