Hello I'm a Christian...Atheist... what.

[Jacob(smooth)]

First of all, I am not here to destroy any atheist with the wondrous power of prayer, but to ask for some help. I will try to keep this as short as possible. I am an atheist in mind, kind of Christian in my heart. WTF?

---

Long story short:
I was an Atheist, got shocked by the "truth" in Kent Hovind's videos, repented, developed an emotional feeling about God and Christ. The Bible made me an Atheist and now I can't get rid of that feeling anymore which keeps making me want to be a Christian.

The Entire story:

// The atheist kid
My parents have never been super religious and therefore neither have I. I was just programmed by them and the society to perform the same rituals everyone does: Christmas, Easter, sometimes a little prayer here and there. While doing all of that I still doubted God existed and I know that because I once had hidden some toy in the backyard and prayed that no one would find it and steal it. When I woke up, no one had stolen it and I thought to my self "Wow, there is a God". Sorry, logic of a 5 year old. Anyway, one thing that stuck with me was praying before sleeping. My parents and I used to do it, but then they just dropped it. I was the only one who kept praying, sometimes unconsciously. After a while I decided to stop praying and I would find it pretty damn hard because I was so used to it, that I would have to remind myself that I had decided to stop praying. It felt like when you've been taking one thing from the same place for 10 years and then someone suddenly moves it someplace else . You will keep looking for it in the same place for a week. Anyway, after a while I finally managed to stop praying.

Shortly before high school I had started to feel like an Atheist. It was all obvious to me. God wouldn't answer prayers, the real world was the one I was living in. My dad would also explain everything to me in a logical way, so this was bound to happen. My parents were also questioning God, the afterlife etc. They have probably never even read the Bible. We don't even have one! Anyway, throughout high school I had tried out everything, from chakras, meditation, "magic" to "one universal consciousness", basically almost all there is (even prayed to some other Gods). After a while I decided that I was just lying to myself, tricking myself into believing that all of that worked. I then declared myself an Atheist and followed the way of the Logic. (anyone who watches Dusty Smith?)

// Here's the catch:
I had become a militant atheist, going on Christian videos on YouTube and questioning, debating and challenging everyone. I was also learning a lot about the Bible, so much, that my mind would know if there was a passage I could use in my debate to prove to Christians that their God was evil or that they were wrong. One day, I did the same thing on a Christian video and this guy started replying to me and we started chatting. He gave me some videos from Kent Hovind and I was SHOCKED at all the things he was claiming. I didn't know much about evolution, because I didn't need to know where we come from in order to be able to dismiss religions and it also didn't interest me that much. Anyway, I kept talking to the guy, watched some more videos and finally REPENTED and asked Jesus to come into my heart. How great is that? I was expecting some magic stuff to happen, but nothing happened. I also decided to IGNORE everything I knew about the Bible, because otherwise my mind would always remind me of the "good stuff" in it, like two bears killing 42 children / young adults.

However, later, after backsliding a lot (= living like an atheist, again like a Christian and so on back and forth), I had started to develop some kind of emotional thing about it. I would think a lot about God (Jesus Christ), listen to Christian music (Which I used to HATE because of the lyrics.), I would pray. I could feel some change in my heart. I was happy, until I would start thinking about the God I knew in the Bible. What I was experiencing was nothing like him, yet I couldn't have chosen another God as my God, because in my heart it felt wrong. It had to be Christ. Christians call this the Holy Spirit. It does drive you crazy! However, unlike Christians, who after such an experience, they surrender immediately (I suppose), I am still a doubting machine. I think this is what drives a person crazy and makes them believe 100% that their religion is the right one. That is the feeling Christians talk about and I have experienced it, I have been saved.

Now, this has been happening for a few years and it keeps getting stronger. I want to be an Atheist, but I just can't get rid of that feeling. It keeps coming back. No matter what. If it weren't for this feeling, I wouldn't even consider being a Christian. Not to mention that The Bible keeps pushing me away from Christianity. If it made any sense, I would probably be a believer now. Thanks God it doesn't! I usually act like an atheist in public, but when I am home, alone with myself I get reminded of "my salvation" and how I am denying it when "I know" it is all true. Also, about the music, when I say Christian music, I mean worshiping songs, the most obnoxious kind of music!

If people find this kind of weird, boring or whatever, I still wanted to share it so that everyone can see how a silly feeling can make you do things you are 100% against.

---

Thanks for reading!

I can exactly relate. Atheist in mind, Christian at heart is a good to put it.

People like us are in an impossible situation. To atheist for the Christians and too Christian for the atheists.

I'm still working my way through this myself so I can't offer any answers. All I can say us that I think it's OK to be conflicted. Some people find it easy to draw a conclusion one way or another. That we don't simply demonstrates a difference in approach, and I would say a degree of self awareness.

Stick around. It will be nice to have another around here who knows they don't know what they are.