Welcome to your all new Christocar. Please read the following instructions carefully:
This car is perfect in every way. If anything ever goes wrong always remember that it is your fault.
The car does not require a key. In order for it to start you have to A/S/K. If the car is convinced that you are A/S/K'ing sincerely it will then start.
The engine bay is totally sealed. You do not need to look in there - you just need to believe that it is the most powerful engine ever made.
The braking system is our all new dual servo assisted prayer model. Just stamp both feet on the brake pedal and if your prayers are sincere the car will stop.
If the car fails to stop you weren't praying properly.
Now, despite the fact that you have bought the car you do not own it. In fact you owe it. This is a fine difference but the car has the power to make even a worthless worm like you into a "Lord of the Road". You are now a servant of the car and must cater to its every whim. It will never communicate its desires to you directly, of course, but our trained mechanics of God will inform you at each service what you must do / how much you must give in order to re-pay the debt. Now you can never actually repay such an enormous debt but even the minuscule amount a pathetic creature like you can manage counts.
The large cross on the front of the car must never be removed. There have been a few complaints (obviously from non-believers) that the hood ornament blocks the forward view. This is irrelevant. If you have faith you will never crash.
Because we care so deeply about you servicing is regular. Each Sunday morning you must attend (bring your wallet). Services typically take about 2 hours and you will be informed on any special services you might be required to take part in.
In the spirit of that great hymn "Onward Christian Soldiers" there is no reverse gear. If anyone should ever write "Backward Christian Soldiers" we will install one at your next service.
As you will never be travelling backwards in the car please take a moment to admire the stained glass rear window. Sadly the many requests for rear view mirrors (to allow constant admiring of the window) cannot be fulfilled as it is the opinion of the manufacturer that there is too great a risk of the mirror's misuse for admiring oneself. Vanity is not to be encouraged amongst our owners.
Your in dash GPS unit is preprogrammed with every single Church in the world (well - not the Catholic ones obviously, nor the Orthodox ones - we don't trust them either). We have found it is perfectly possible to do all navigation by Churches. If this does not work for you in your country then we must assume you are not in a Christian country and you are therefore on your own.
This car is perfect in every way. If anything ever goes wrong always remember that it is your fault.
The car does not require a key. In order for it to start you have to A/S/K. If the car is convinced that you are A/S/K'ing sincerely it will then start.
The engine bay is totally sealed. You do not need to look in there - you just need to believe that it is the most powerful engine ever made.
The braking system is our all new dual servo assisted prayer model. Just stamp both feet on the brake pedal and if your prayers are sincere the car will stop.
If the car fails to stop you weren't praying properly.
Now, despite the fact that you have bought the car you do not own it. In fact you owe it. This is a fine difference but the car has the power to make even a worthless worm like you into a "Lord of the Road". You are now a servant of the car and must cater to its every whim. It will never communicate its desires to you directly, of course, but our trained mechanics of God will inform you at each service what you must do / how much you must give in order to re-pay the debt. Now you can never actually repay such an enormous debt but even the minuscule amount a pathetic creature like you can manage counts.
The large cross on the front of the car must never be removed. There have been a few complaints (obviously from non-believers) that the hood ornament blocks the forward view. This is irrelevant. If you have faith you will never crash.
Because we care so deeply about you servicing is regular. Each Sunday morning you must attend (bring your wallet). Services typically take about 2 hours and you will be informed on any special services you might be required to take part in.
In the spirit of that great hymn "Onward Christian Soldiers" there is no reverse gear. If anyone should ever write "Backward Christian Soldiers" we will install one at your next service.
As you will never be travelling backwards in the car please take a moment to admire the stained glass rear window. Sadly the many requests for rear view mirrors (to allow constant admiring of the window) cannot be fulfilled as it is the opinion of the manufacturer that there is too great a risk of the mirror's misuse for admiring oneself. Vanity is not to be encouraged amongst our owners.
Your in dash GPS unit is preprogrammed with every single Church in the world (well - not the Catholic ones obviously, nor the Orthodox ones - we don't trust them either). We have found it is perfectly possible to do all navigation by Churches. If this does not work for you in your country then we must assume you are not in a Christian country and you are therefore on your own.
Kuusi palaa, ja on viimeinen kerta kun annan vaimoni laittaa jouluvalot!
