(January 6, 2009 at 2:39 pm)Purple Rabbit Wrote: Welcome IamAwake,
Your story is a pretty compelling case for reconsidering the 'freedom' of religious education.
What interests me is what was the basis of doubt for you, was it rebellion against the repressive nature of your upbringing or was there an intrinsic doubt in the 'truths' provided by mormon religion?
First, as a child, I felt that the rules being implemented were unjust, most importantly to me the knowlege barrier that females could not cross. Then I thought the people implementing them must surely have unholy reasons, such as making women subservient and obedient. That did not sit well with me because I didn't blindly trust anyone, let alone anyone who wouldn't listen to my concerns and thoughts. I was asked to leave a class by a church leader when I questioned his logic of how God used Hitler to do his will, which was to eliminate Jews. What made me furious was not only that he mentioned girls needed to listen to men when they're speaking and not talk back, but that not one other person questioned that statement. They just all looked at me uncomfortably as I was fuming and standing there outraged at being dismissed by reason of gender and also at everyone there for accepting these ideas. They were just blank slates being inscribed upon, waiting to see how I would be dispatched so that they too could learn how to deal with those who question.
When I doubted a god's existence, it was after reviewing other religions, seeing the same faults and shady origins, and then many months of denying myself the right to fully think the thought. The guilt of betraying God. The fear of being punished for the thought. The uneasiness I perceived life to hold without God. It's amazing how long it can keep you in that state of being too afraid to think your thoughts. The conflict was great, but the thoughts weren't even fully formed and conscious until the moment I finally really didn't believe. The veil blew away. The guilt was gone. And it was good.
