RE: Pissed
March 21, 2015 at 11:54 pm
(This post was last modified: March 21, 2015 at 11:57 pm by Thumpalumpacus.)
Look, I've been that angry at my son, but you can't talk to them -- or yell at them -- like that. You did a couple of things wrong there:
1) "I hate it when you make me yell". You are not accepting responsibility for your own lack of control over your own emotions here. The lesson you are teaching your daughter is that it is okay to lose control and scream and cuss at someone else, so long as you can shift the blame. You do not want to teach her this. I mean, you don't want to teach her to yell and cuss as a problem-solving method in the first place, because it isn't. But, and this is important, you don't want to teach her to blame others for her failure to control her own emotions. Keep in mind, you are her example, and she will follow your actions, not your words. Show her how you want her to behave with your own behavior. Own your emotions and behavior. Don't blame her for your yelling.
2) "I'm getting to the point where I'm not going to want you to be here on the weekends". Major no-no. You are making your love conditional, and you are going to make your daughter feel unwanted, not only through your behavior, but explicitly, with your words.
I will tell you a few tricks that I used to help me through the rough days with my son:
1) As I once told my son's mother, "Sometimes time-out is time-out. Sometimes time-out is protective custody, because I'm about ready to go off." When you get that angry at your child, send her to her room, and get some space to catch your breath and lower your pressure. Time out is just as much for the parent as it is for the child, in some cases, and it sounds like tonight would have been a good time to use it.
2) When he didn't want to sit down for the meal, I would make his plate and sit it at the table. I would let him know that it is there, and I would let him know that in thirty minutes, it will no longer be there, as I will be doing the dishes. And eating happens in the kitchen.
3) My son was very prone to what I called, out loud, "last-word-itis". When he got into that mode, where he felt the need to get that last dig in, I would tell him, "Knock off the last-word-itis, I don't want to hear it. Go to your room and say it there if it needs to be said that badly."
Sorry for the blunt assessment. We all have hot moments as parents, but it is our job to show by example the right way to deal with the problems life will bring our children. Throwing a tantrum is not appropriate.
If I may offer one last bit of advice: go to her, and apologize. Tell her that you're sorry you lost your cool, that you were angry about her misbehavior, that she should have done as asked, but -- and this is important -- that you should not have treated her like that, and that you're sorry.
1) "I hate it when you make me yell". You are not accepting responsibility for your own lack of control over your own emotions here. The lesson you are teaching your daughter is that it is okay to lose control and scream and cuss at someone else, so long as you can shift the blame. You do not want to teach her this. I mean, you don't want to teach her to yell and cuss as a problem-solving method in the first place, because it isn't. But, and this is important, you don't want to teach her to blame others for her failure to control her own emotions. Keep in mind, you are her example, and she will follow your actions, not your words. Show her how you want her to behave with your own behavior. Own your emotions and behavior. Don't blame her for your yelling.
2) "I'm getting to the point where I'm not going to want you to be here on the weekends". Major no-no. You are making your love conditional, and you are going to make your daughter feel unwanted, not only through your behavior, but explicitly, with your words.
I will tell you a few tricks that I used to help me through the rough days with my son:
1) As I once told my son's mother, "Sometimes time-out is time-out. Sometimes time-out is protective custody, because I'm about ready to go off." When you get that angry at your child, send her to her room, and get some space to catch your breath and lower your pressure. Time out is just as much for the parent as it is for the child, in some cases, and it sounds like tonight would have been a good time to use it.
2) When he didn't want to sit down for the meal, I would make his plate and sit it at the table. I would let him know that it is there, and I would let him know that in thirty minutes, it will no longer be there, as I will be doing the dishes. And eating happens in the kitchen.
3) My son was very prone to what I called, out loud, "last-word-itis". When he got into that mode, where he felt the need to get that last dig in, I would tell him, "Knock off the last-word-itis, I don't want to hear it. Go to your room and say it there if it needs to be said that badly."
Sorry for the blunt assessment. We all have hot moments as parents, but it is our job to show by example the right way to deal with the problems life will bring our children. Throwing a tantrum is not appropriate.
If I may offer one last bit of advice: go to her, and apologize. Tell her that you're sorry you lost your cool, that you were angry about her misbehavior, that she should have done as asked, but -- and this is important -- that you should not have treated her like that, and that you're sorry.
