Existence: What the fuck is going on?

[Mudhammam]

How is it inconceivable? Can you not conceive of the fact that you did not exist in 1800? Do you not understand what that year was like for you? It was nothing to you, and that is what every year will be like after you are dead. Those years will be nothing to you.

Sure, I can conceive of the fact that I did not exist in 1800, just as I can conceive of the fact that there was, indeed, an 1800, and a very different world, though it also contained much of the same, and was populated by many people, though far less than today, the brightest of whom felt the same problems and tried their best to develop better solutions than their predecessors. And though we can reap the benefits of their efforts, most of them are forgotten bits of dust blowing in the wind, or rather they have been sucked right back into the black hole of "the past," a Singularity of sorts, the dissolution of any sensible framework for existence we greet both (conceptually) at the beginning and (perceptively) at the end of our lives, as well as in the bottomless pit of logic itself. It is inconceivable because I have tasted experience... and the idea of going to sleep, but the deepest sleep imaginable, without the recollection that follows upon awakening, and knowing that this is not an idea but a reality---one almost more concrete than my finite, fluctuating stream of consciousness---what, or how, can I truly conceive that to be, as complete and absolute nothingness?

Think about a woman smiling sweetly at you. It is just for a moment. But it isn't nothing.

But a moment later, it is. Yes, I have the image to enjoy, the memory to relive, but even that over time dissolves with the rest...

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like a drag, I'm just trying to capture the almost neurotic feeling I get at moments (usually after I've smoked weed), because (full disclosure), the fact that humans have proven themselves immensely innovative explorers, I have always felt (over-confidently perhaps) that our deepest problems, including death itself, may lie within the grasp of solution, and yet so much potential is squandered by easy and dull and unfruitful (in the long run) stop-gaps for such thoughts, such as those religion provides. That may be my biggest reason, apart from many others, for my anti-theism. Even so, does the idea of immortality seem that much more of a comfort? No! I am frightened by that concept as well. So, that also plays into my "What the fuck?" feeling about existence and the cruel joke I perceive beneath the veneer of security, freedom, and happiness that I strive so hard to sustain.

Infinity isn't defined by what happens now. Your life is defined by what happens now, and some of the time near now.

You make me think of how some have reacted to the fact that, eventually, our sun will burn out. Some people have been upset by that idea. But the reality is, it is completely irrelevant to the lives of every person who has ever lived. They are really being upset over nothing that matters in their lives when such a thing upsets them. You may as well be upset that some other star will also burn out in a few billion years. That, too, is irrelevant to your life.

I agree that it is in that sense a superficial fear, but I think it must only be natural to be upset when an organism discovers that the very basis of existence---a struggle to survive and thrive---is predicated on guaranteed failure.

You should listen to your girlfriend more.

Well, she's away until Sunday...so it looks like you guys are stuck with me until then.

---

First, a bit of stoic wisdom for you. You have a choice. You can spend your life worrying about death, and then die. Or, you can spend your life not worrying about death, and then die. What you can't choose is to not die. Which of the choices available to you is the better choice?

(Bold mine)
Do I? I'm not so sure. I feel diseased with thoughts such as those I've expressed. I mean, I'm not saying I don't enjoy life, or that I'm depressed, just that there is an underlying anxiety about it all that I sense will unfortunately grow with time... best case scenario is that I get to the age where I revert to a child's mentality and have someone wipe my ass while I play Bingo.