Existence: What the fuck is going on?

[Pyrrho]

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Sorry, I don't mean to sound like a drag, I'm just trying to capture the almost neurotic feeling I get at moments (usually after I've smoked weed), because (full disclosure), the fact that humans have proven themselves immensely innovative explorers, I have always felt (over-confidently perhaps) that our deepest problems, including death itself, may lie within the grasp of solution, and yet so much potential is squandered by easy and dull and unfruitful (in the long run) stop-gaps for such thoughts, such as those religion provides.

If that is the effect of marijuana on you, you should never smoke it again. I mean that seriously.

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Infinity isn't defined by what happens now. Your life is defined by what happens now, and some of the time near now.

You make me think of how some have reacted to the fact that, eventually, our sun will burn out. Some people have been upset by that idea. But the reality is, it is completely irrelevant to the lives of every person who has ever lived. They are really being upset over nothing that matters in their lives when such a thing upsets them. You may as well be upset that some other star will also burn out in a few billion years. That, too, is irrelevant to your life.

I agree that it is in that sense a superficial fear, but I think it must only be natural to be upset when an organism discovers that the very basis of existence---a struggle to survive and thrive---is predicated on guaranteed failure.

It is a failure of instinct. It need not be a failure of you. I have no wish to live forever, and am ready to die whenever.

My goal is to live as pleasantly as I can while I am alive. I have, thus far in my adult life, been rather successful. I am happily married to my best friend, and have been for over 20 years. I do not wish for a long life. I wish for a good one. Nothing more.

You should listen to your girlfriend more.

Well, she's away until Sunday...so it looks like you guys are stuck with me until then.

Okay. When she gets back.

First, a bit of stoic wisdom for you. You have a choice. You can spend your life worrying about death, and then die. Or, you can spend your life not worrying about death, and then die. What you can't choose is to not die. Which of the choices available to you is the better choice?

(Bold mine)
Do I? I'm not so sure. I feel diseased with thoughts such as those I've expressed. I mean, I'm not saying I don't enjoy life, or that I'm depressed, just that there is an underlying anxiety about it all that I sense will unfortunately grow with time... best case scenario is that I get to the age where I revert to a child's mentality and have someone wipe my ass while I play Bingo.

Are you saying you cannot decide whether to dwell on things or not? That you have no control over what you do? That you cannot decide to read and think about one thing, rather than read something else and think about other things instead?

Also, I think you have the "best scenario" wrong. It is better to die before one gets to that point. That is my hope and expectation. But I am not the sort to "do anything" to get a little bit more life.

You might enjoy Seneca's letters 70 and 77 for more on that. If you need links for them, just ask, though wikipedia has them.