Hello, this is my first visit to the site. I came here to release feelings and thoughts that I have no ability to do with the people in my circle. I am also searching google for some kind of phone support as well.
I am exhausted by confusion and I feel like I'm living a lie. I want to start from the beginning and wrap everything as tight as I can in the nutshell that is called this life that I am experiencing. I'm hoping that I will receive some words of comfort, guidance or understanding. But, at the same time, I know that not many have the time or the "give a damn" to read lengthy descriptions of another's woes. I'll do the best I can. Age 6 was the first time I attended church (for about 6-9 months), with an elderly couple who lived up the road. Let me tell you, all that I remember from that experience was this: My brother and I would run up to their house, the wife would have homemade candy, cakes, sodas and popcorn ready for us and the husband would have a board game. Afterwards, we would go to church. I don't remember what the inside of the church even looked like. All I was focused on was the good times beforehand which (now I know) gave me the motivation to do what they suggested. So, I got the reward before the "work", in a sense.
Fast forward to age 14. Now, my mom started taking us to some church filled with distant unknown relatives of hers. My brother and I hated it. She dragged us kicking and screaming, we called her a monster basically for forcing us to do something that we did not want to do. I eventually broke down and ran to the altar, crying. But... I still felt like it was wrong. I remember not feeling anything "holy", just crying because I was hurting emotionally and a song had stirred my feelings up in a knot. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Everybody was doing it, right? Oh... and did I mention that one expected perk of sitting in the pews was the tasty mints that were provided by my mother each service? Yeah, I could eat a whole bag of those things. And I have gotten close. Anywho, so we stopped going to that church after a while. My mom caught a lot of attention when word got around that she'd been in a relationship with a woman for over a decade. More to this portion, but as I said before.. I'm going to try to fit what I can remember as the important points for the time being...
Now we're at age 17-21: Now, I've been on my own for a while. I lived in several shelters, ranging from pure homelessness to abusive relationship group homes to addiction treatment centers. Every single one of the places I went to for help told me that I needed to have faith in god or my "higher power" and believe that jesus died for my sins so that I could be free. I really did give it an honest effort. I went to a few churches on and off. But now, looking back, it was always for someone else's comfort. Usually someone from the programs or a "friend in christ". They were trying their damndest to "win" my soul. They say that god shows favor to those who win souls... Does that mean that their intentions were selfish? It seems so...
Age 24: I discovered "Zeitgeist" and "The Secret" Movies. I felt like all of a sudden I wasn't the only skeptic and that I shouldn't have to pretend anymore to satisfy other's wishes for my life. Somehow that I am much more intelligent that previously thought. I started to break out of drone-mode. My mind was opening freely and loudly and I was happy. I shared my experience with everyone around me. Most were christians. They looked at me like I was confusing them, that I was crazy.... I conformed again.
Age 25 (current): My boyfriend and I have been together since 9/2013. We started going to his mother's church 2 months ago. This is the first time we have attended since we started dating. Though she constantly asked every week (several times/wk) if we were going to go with her... we just didn't, until recently. Truth is, it was a condition after we had broken up earlier this year. We should start going to church together and god will make everything alright and we will be together again. I agreed. You could say my boyfriend was the equivalent of the candy. If I get the candy, I'll go to church. Sure! I'll make the effort. After all, I am human. Candy is good. Back up a little bit... I introduced my boyfriend to the previously mentioned movies and he was quite intrigued. But his reaction, atleast to Zeitgest: "But what if there is a god? I'd rather take the chance than to not believe and end up in hell." This frustrated me. Moving on...... I find myself reluctant to attend church. The core of me feels that there is something so fake and so wrong about this concept. I have tried over the years to believe but it is so incredibly insane to me. Of course, a christian's perspective would be "That's the devil telling you lies".. With that said, I have had over 12 inpatient stays at mental health facilities in the last 7 years. I've attempted suicide 3 times in the past year. I'm at my wit's end. In January of this year, I cut my wrist (the correct way, 1 foot scar down my arm..) because I simply did not want to live any longer. Everyone around me says that god saved me. That he has a purpose for my life. I just can't accept that. When people are raising their hands, chanting, singing and speaking in tongues at this church... I often find myself thinking...."Why was I the one admitted to the hospital for mental health dysfunctions? Look at these people! Do they raise their hands and speak in tongues at work? Going down the road? Does god suddenly fill them with the "holy spirit" when they're not in church?
It feels like an act. It is an act. And I must not be a very good actress because it doesn't take long for me to question and feel alone in this. My boyfriend has been saying "have you prayed about it?" quite often since religion began in our relationship not so long ago and I find myself very annoyed. Why would I be annoyed if I believed that there was a god and that I wasn't just talking to myself? Don't get me wrong, talking to yourself is very important, I've learned from the beginnings of my knowledge of the law of attraction... But, if I say it's god... I know I'm lying. I have tried and tried over and over again, the absolute whole of my being is now saying NO. You are going in the wrong direction. This isn't right. You have to be somewhere else, doing something else. Not chanting and speaking mush in a cult! That's what church feels like to me.
Please, if you've read this, and your eyes must be tired by now... I need to know what you think. I fear homelessness again because I've lived it for so many years. I have employment that I could live on but I just started recently and I am going to the doctor for tendinitis, which disables me for the next 3 days from that 10 hour factory assembly job. I will lose my boyfriend, but I feel I need to leave. I do love him but there is a certain distance that I cannot explain.... I do not want to continue to lie about my beliefs (or lack thereof) but if I tell how I really feel, he will advise me to pray. And I feel like I would just search for a gun for myself at that point. It is absolutely. Exhausting.
I am exhausted by confusion and I feel like I'm living a lie. I want to start from the beginning and wrap everything as tight as I can in the nutshell that is called this life that I am experiencing. I'm hoping that I will receive some words of comfort, guidance or understanding. But, at the same time, I know that not many have the time or the "give a damn" to read lengthy descriptions of another's woes. I'll do the best I can. Age 6 was the first time I attended church (for about 6-9 months), with an elderly couple who lived up the road. Let me tell you, all that I remember from that experience was this: My brother and I would run up to their house, the wife would have homemade candy, cakes, sodas and popcorn ready for us and the husband would have a board game. Afterwards, we would go to church. I don't remember what the inside of the church even looked like. All I was focused on was the good times beforehand which (now I know) gave me the motivation to do what they suggested. So, I got the reward before the "work", in a sense.
Fast forward to age 14. Now, my mom started taking us to some church filled with distant unknown relatives of hers. My brother and I hated it. She dragged us kicking and screaming, we called her a monster basically for forcing us to do something that we did not want to do. I eventually broke down and ran to the altar, crying. But... I still felt like it was wrong. I remember not feeling anything "holy", just crying because I was hurting emotionally and a song had stirred my feelings up in a knot. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Everybody was doing it, right? Oh... and did I mention that one expected perk of sitting in the pews was the tasty mints that were provided by my mother each service? Yeah, I could eat a whole bag of those things. And I have gotten close. Anywho, so we stopped going to that church after a while. My mom caught a lot of attention when word got around that she'd been in a relationship with a woman for over a decade. More to this portion, but as I said before.. I'm going to try to fit what I can remember as the important points for the time being...
Now we're at age 17-21: Now, I've been on my own for a while. I lived in several shelters, ranging from pure homelessness to abusive relationship group homes to addiction treatment centers. Every single one of the places I went to for help told me that I needed to have faith in god or my "higher power" and believe that jesus died for my sins so that I could be free. I really did give it an honest effort. I went to a few churches on and off. But now, looking back, it was always for someone else's comfort. Usually someone from the programs or a "friend in christ". They were trying their damndest to "win" my soul. They say that god shows favor to those who win souls... Does that mean that their intentions were selfish? It seems so...
Age 24: I discovered "Zeitgeist" and "The Secret" Movies. I felt like all of a sudden I wasn't the only skeptic and that I shouldn't have to pretend anymore to satisfy other's wishes for my life. Somehow that I am much more intelligent that previously thought. I started to break out of drone-mode. My mind was opening freely and loudly and I was happy. I shared my experience with everyone around me. Most were christians. They looked at me like I was confusing them, that I was crazy.... I conformed again.
Age 25 (current): My boyfriend and I have been together since 9/2013. We started going to his mother's church 2 months ago. This is the first time we have attended since we started dating. Though she constantly asked every week (several times/wk) if we were going to go with her... we just didn't, until recently. Truth is, it was a condition after we had broken up earlier this year. We should start going to church together and god will make everything alright and we will be together again. I agreed. You could say my boyfriend was the equivalent of the candy. If I get the candy, I'll go to church. Sure! I'll make the effort. After all, I am human. Candy is good. Back up a little bit... I introduced my boyfriend to the previously mentioned movies and he was quite intrigued. But his reaction, atleast to Zeitgest: "But what if there is a god? I'd rather take the chance than to not believe and end up in hell." This frustrated me. Moving on...... I find myself reluctant to attend church. The core of me feels that there is something so fake and so wrong about this concept. I have tried over the years to believe but it is so incredibly insane to me. Of course, a christian's perspective would be "That's the devil telling you lies".. With that said, I have had over 12 inpatient stays at mental health facilities in the last 7 years. I've attempted suicide 3 times in the past year. I'm at my wit's end. In January of this year, I cut my wrist (the correct way, 1 foot scar down my arm..) because I simply did not want to live any longer. Everyone around me says that god saved me. That he has a purpose for my life. I just can't accept that. When people are raising their hands, chanting, singing and speaking in tongues at this church... I often find myself thinking...."Why was I the one admitted to the hospital for mental health dysfunctions? Look at these people! Do they raise their hands and speak in tongues at work? Going down the road? Does god suddenly fill them with the "holy spirit" when they're not in church?
It feels like an act. It is an act. And I must not be a very good actress because it doesn't take long for me to question and feel alone in this. My boyfriend has been saying "have you prayed about it?" quite often since religion began in our relationship not so long ago and I find myself very annoyed. Why would I be annoyed if I believed that there was a god and that I wasn't just talking to myself? Don't get me wrong, talking to yourself is very important, I've learned from the beginnings of my knowledge of the law of attraction... But, if I say it's god... I know I'm lying. I have tried and tried over and over again, the absolute whole of my being is now saying NO. You are going in the wrong direction. This isn't right. You have to be somewhere else, doing something else. Not chanting and speaking mush in a cult! That's what church feels like to me.
Please, if you've read this, and your eyes must be tired by now... I need to know what you think. I fear homelessness again because I've lived it for so many years. I have employment that I could live on but I just started recently and I am going to the doctor for tendinitis, which disables me for the next 3 days from that 10 hour factory assembly job. I will lose my boyfriend, but I feel I need to leave. I do love him but there is a certain distance that I cannot explain.... I do not want to continue to lie about my beliefs (or lack thereof) but if I tell how I really feel, he will advise me to pray. And I feel like I would just search for a gun for myself at that point. It is absolutely. Exhausting.
