I don't really have any great words of advice, or a magic cure for your problems. It can be hard to live on your own without anyone helping you, and so it is very understandable that you are a bit reluctant to just refuse to pretend.
I do think, however, that you have not got quite the right handle on "pretend." To pretend is not to believe. Pretending is what actors do. They pretend to be a king or a gangster or whatever. And so they say and do the things that they are supposed to do. But they do not believe that they really are kings and gangsters and etc.
I should preface this advice with the fact that, although I read through your post, I obviously do not have enough information to give you anything like definitive advice (and I might not be able to do that even if I knew everything you could possibly say about you). If you can manage being alone, I recommend telling your boyfriend the truth, and if he is unwilling to accept it, break up with him. After all, it does not sound like you are going to be happy with the way things are, and I don't see any other way to eliminate the things that distress you without doing this.
There are atheists in the world, even in places where most people are religious. It can be hard to find them, though the internet can make that easier. There might even be an atheist or freethinkers group in your area that meets and socializes. You might want to search online if such a thing interests you.
I am sorry that I don't have anything better to say at the moment.
I do think, however, that you have not got quite the right handle on "pretend." To pretend is not to believe. Pretending is what actors do. They pretend to be a king or a gangster or whatever. And so they say and do the things that they are supposed to do. But they do not believe that they really are kings and gangsters and etc.
I should preface this advice with the fact that, although I read through your post, I obviously do not have enough information to give you anything like definitive advice (and I might not be able to do that even if I knew everything you could possibly say about you). If you can manage being alone, I recommend telling your boyfriend the truth, and if he is unwilling to accept it, break up with him. After all, it does not sound like you are going to be happy with the way things are, and I don't see any other way to eliminate the things that distress you without doing this.
There are atheists in the world, even in places where most people are religious. It can be hard to find them, though the internet can make that easier. There might even be an atheist or freethinkers group in your area that meets and socializes. You might want to search online if such a thing interests you.
I am sorry that I don't have anything better to say at the moment.
"A wise man ... proportions his belief to the evidence."
— David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding, Section X, Part I.
