Living Biblically

[Crossless2.0]

So, as of July first, I have decided that I need to spend a year living Biblically.

This will involve, but is not limited to:

I will be keeping a slave but I will not beat him
I will not eat shellfish
I will not get a tattoo
I will not lie with a man as I do with other men (It will be known as Beccs' Year of Lesbianism)
I will not eat pig products
I will not associate with women when they are "unclean" (on their periods) - This could lead to a lot of time not talking to myself.
I will not teach men.  My current intern will just have to put his career on hold for a year
I will take disobedient children to the edge of town and stone them to death (the cops have to accept my freedom of religion argument, right?)
I will stone to death anyone working on the Sabbath (See above)


Any other suggestions are welcome.

You don't mean "Biblically" then. You mean according to the OT Jewish ceremonial law, judicial law, and some moral laws (you cherry picked from all three). You might want to start raising farm animals for the annual sacrifices too.

Yes, Beccs, there is no reason for you to botch being an orthodox Jew when -- presto chango! -- you can take cherry picking to new, audacious levels of achievement.  All you have to do is uncritically accept Paul's ramblings, and you can disregard virtually any part of the Hebrew Bible that makes you squeamish or that seems inconvenient, while keeping the stuff that confirms your prejudices.  Talk about a win/win!  With Paul's handy Get-Out-Of-OT-Embarrassment-Free card in your back pocket, you can learn the art of talking out both sides of your mouth: paying lip service to the parent faith of your upstart religion (the religious tradition of your alleged savior no less), while obnoxiously insisting that you are upholding God's real plan and defending the true faith -- especially against those silly Jews who have the chutzpah to think they understand their own prophetic tradition better than the Gentiles.  Because, you know, Old Testament . . .

Who needs ceremonial and judicial law when all you need to know can be condensed to a bumper sticker?  Just read John 3:16 over and over until you flatline see the light.  Then you too can become an expert in the mysteries and glorious plan of the great, if undemonstrated, Yahweh, anger management 12-stepper and former collector of foreskins.