Ex penticostal christian... kind of athiest

[drfuzzy]

Hey All,

I'm reasonably new on my travels down atheist lane. You could say I'm still working things out.

I'm in my late 20s and until recently was very involved in the church - leadership, lots of commitment time and money. My folks were semi religious - believed but weren't active & just had a lot of religiously inspired self hate. I went into church to escape home dysfunction and that community is what made me stay. I actively sought books that would help me argue my faith & spent a lot of time converting my friends, which is now a deep regret. I work in sales & I could liken a lot of my time to product research to strengthen the sales pitch.

Anyway - when you grow up in the church as a young girl your entire life mission is to find a nice man of god, get married, have kids. I never wanted that and never knew why - I'm sure I did at a deep level - but it wasn't until recent years I started to face my sexuality. My internal acknowledgement first sparked research into why being gay is wrong, is a choice etc,  and a little self hate. Then I rejected religion, watched all of cosmos, started reading god is not great and watching the four horsemen debates on youtube & here I am.

I don't think religion makes any sense for a number of reasons - but I am not particularly educated so can't argue that point too well just yet. There is still an internal conflict - I'm not "out" as a lesbian or an atheist to the wider world just yet even though I've been living with my partner for 2 years. My family know about my sexuality but I think that one is easier to digest for them. I find myself missing my community, missing that place of "home" and being generally sentimental about my religious passed, but I also acknowledge that pattern of belief is one of the most toxic things I've ever experienced.

Would love to hear from anybody who has been through something similar - or anybody who's come from a Christian background & managed to successfully throw off that indoctrination.

Cheers,
Sarah

Hi Sarah. 
I was raised Southern-Baptist -> Church of God Holiness. Speaking in tongues, the rapture happening any day, saved and sanctified BS. I knew I was "different" by the age of 12, but looking for information on girls that wanted to date girls in the Bible School library (I went to a church school.) was a BAD idea.      I wanted to be straight very badly. I prayed for g-d to change me for a decade. Didn't work. I wanted to make my parents proud. But doing that involved practically living at the church and finding a nice Xtian man to marry.  When I finally got the courage to come out to my parents, they disowned me. I haven't seen them for 27 years.  My father died in 2004 - a cousin called to tell me 5 months after the funeral.  

I wanted to believe even after the year 2000 passed, but the more I learned about the astronomy and the universe, the more I read, and the more IDIOCY I heard from the pulpit finally tipped the scales for me. I just can't believe anymore.  None of the beliefs I was raised with make sense. I almost feel as if I have had to burn my house down and start over. But that's not a bad thing at all.  So yeah, sistah, I hear ya.               --- drfuzzy