(November 25, 2016 at 12:22 am)Emjay Wrote: Life is just one, big, ever-changing context and not so easy to compartmentalise into neat little sections. It's messy, fuzzy logic. I used to try and categorise everything... paperwork etc... but the fact is it's much more suited to tags than it is to categories and I think you learn more and grow more if you can accept that... accept that life is messy and don't try to impose arbitrary limits on it. Just my two cents.
I agree so much.... and my O.C.D. absolutely gets in the way with this kind of thing.
The worst part about compulsions is you can literally know that it's not all black and white and digital and neat, you can know it's instead rather gray and analog and messy... and yet you still keep behaving like it's all black and white and digital and neat.
Sigh, and sometimes it even makes stuff, ironically, rather messy. Like... the above paragraph is an example where I found myself editing the paragraph to make it more symmetrical and organized in a way that made my O.C.D. happy... even when it makes it overly complicated and verbose.
The funny thing about my O.C.D--which makes doubt that the obsessiveness and compulsiveness is even O.C.D. per se despite having been on medication to treat those symptoms as if I have O.C.D. (my psychi(iatrist(even this bracketting is a function of it. In fact my entire strong mood shift today is a function of it. The change of compulsion feels extremely uplifting to me because it's better than the last one but FUCk it's awkward (lol)))--is that I can change my compulsions completely but I have to replace them with something and[ I can't trigger the change. I'm compelled to stick with the same one until something triggers a change... but they regularly do change to something completely different. It seems replacement is the only way to deal with them. I've been replacing them since I was 12 (I'm 28 now for those who don't know and/or are wondering).
The other thing is being aware of it--life now when I self-referentially describe and observe my own O.C.D. symptoms--does absolutely nothing to actually changing them. Step one is to be aware of the problem, yes. But what do I replace all this stuff with? Something less dysfunctional? Well, yes, but if--for whatever reason--more functional compulsions felt like an option to me I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, lol. It's a matter of the most harmless habits becoming something rather non-harmless simply by virtue of them becoming obsessive compulsions rather than normal habits. It's often a matter of intensity rather than content. And.... yeah... I'm very happy to have this particular new set of compulsions right now because it's far superior and--importantly more pro-social and less anti-social, as embarassing as it is in other ways.....
I find that... in fact... the more self-aware of them sometimes.... the more they increase. Like now. Drawing attention to the O.C.D. seems to intensify it.
But it's not a bad thing because the entire purpose of this post is, really:
Can I Just Say And I'm Just Being Honest--
It's hard to define what my O.C.D. is like for me. But I guess this post is a very very watered-down version of what it's like inside my head all the time. VERY watered down. I doubt anyone would ever want to read a more intense version.
The fact my posts and messages and PMs often consistent of a repeated paraphrasing of the same shit--my specific way of rambling--is partly an O.C.D. thing... I think.
But one of the main things is.... it's probably unoticiable to anyone but myself but... my writing style changes every now and then. It's whenever I have a compulsion shift. Like today has been (It's been months since a shift, today is the start one). A compulsion shift is like a paradigm shift only more annoying lol.
Shit why do I feel like this post is fucking awful. Apologies if it is. Ick.