Conversion - De-conversion *Long*
February 28, 2018 at 11:52 am
(This post was last modified: February 28, 2018 at 11:53 am by rskovride.)
My youth is probably a familiar story in regards to religion. I was indoctrinated since before I had any strong memories and accepted the protestant variety of christianity (to my current embarrassment) without question. Moving on.
I was exposed to critical thinking, science, various philosophy, cultural anthropology, ect., in college but never decided to question my religious beliefs. (again to my embarrassment) However, my religions beliefs, during this time, were receding to the rarely used depths of mind and possibly loosing some certainty if I had thought to look at them. But, now we must necessarily take an unfortunate turn on the road of life.
Most of my adulthood has been particularly difficult. Family issues, bi-sexuality, drug abuse, and risky behavior in general played major roles in this difficulty and also, I think, kept me away from the church or even thinking about religion and god . Details are fuzzy but I can honestly say that I did not take religion seriously during this time. The exception being ‘fox hole’ prayers and pleading with god during times of crisis or pain. I vividly remember telling my NA sponsor, over the phone, that I was an atheist, as I waited in a gas station parking lot for the dope man to arrive. At the time, I used the word atheist more for shock value than its actual meaning. I did not want to hear anything about how I was doing the wrong thing in gods eyes whether it was true or not, so it was easier to just say I didn’t believe any of that bullshit and it usually shut them up. This generally sums up what I believed until we get to the next stage which I hope you find interesting if not amusing. Oh, and if you are still reading, pat yourself on the back, you deserve it.
Many of you might have guessed or indeed know from experience that drug abuse doesn’t just go away, it’s not something you can grow out of like jnco jeans or wearing ladies underwear... Of course, the drug abuse got worse and I found myself at a rehab “ministry” in the mountains of North Carolina. This program is faith based and was not my first choice or even on the list but there was no waiting and the price was right. So, off I went with the intention of just making it through the program and not assimilate into any of the religious nonsense. That’s not what happened. The program lasts 12 months including church twice a week, devotions every morning, and some kind of spiritual activity every evening except for Saturdays. I never saw it coming; by the 8th month I was a born again, holy roller, servant of Jesus. HALLEJUJAH! PRAISE HIM!! I believed, a lot, and fuck you in particular for not believing. I was ready to spend the rest of my life in the service of god. If you want to cringe a little, read that last sentence again and know that is was the truth. In fact, I had already taken the first steps towards working and living in ministry. Looking back, I think its safe to say that my experience is a testament to the power of indoctrination. Not that I had any special intellectual powers that allowed me to resist brain-washing; it didn’t occur to me at any time that brain-washing was exactly what was happening.
A bible verse was the flash point for my de-conversion and my desire to defend christianity was the catalyst. The senior pastor at church recited what he called “a failed prophecy,to some people” but of course he wasn’t talking about his audience, he was talking about most of you, you wicked ,wicked heathens. (Matthew 24:34 if you care) He explained why it was not a failed prophecy using the most graceful theological aerobatics I had ever heard. I wanted more. Fortunately, my critical thinking skills were re-emerging, about to save me from a lifetime of enslavement. I looked at every “failed prophecy” I could find and had several what the fuck moments that slowly chipped away at my certainty. Unfortunately it wasn’t like flipping a light switch. Six months past during which I consumed many books, many more debates, lectures, and conversations with non-believers and believers alike. And now, we get back to familiarity at this point in the story so I wont bore you, if I haven’t already. Eventually, I conclude that there is no reason for me to believe in a god and no longer accept christianity or super-nature.
I am still clean today and have been for years. I appears that I didn’t need god to save me from addiction after all.
Be gentle.
I was exposed to critical thinking, science, various philosophy, cultural anthropology, ect., in college but never decided to question my religious beliefs. (again to my embarrassment) However, my religions beliefs, during this time, were receding to the rarely used depths of mind and possibly loosing some certainty if I had thought to look at them. But, now we must necessarily take an unfortunate turn on the road of life.
Most of my adulthood has been particularly difficult. Family issues, bi-sexuality, drug abuse, and risky behavior in general played major roles in this difficulty and also, I think, kept me away from the church or even thinking about religion and god . Details are fuzzy but I can honestly say that I did not take religion seriously during this time. The exception being ‘fox hole’ prayers and pleading with god during times of crisis or pain. I vividly remember telling my NA sponsor, over the phone, that I was an atheist, as I waited in a gas station parking lot for the dope man to arrive. At the time, I used the word atheist more for shock value than its actual meaning. I did not want to hear anything about how I was doing the wrong thing in gods eyes whether it was true or not, so it was easier to just say I didn’t believe any of that bullshit and it usually shut them up. This generally sums up what I believed until we get to the next stage which I hope you find interesting if not amusing. Oh, and if you are still reading, pat yourself on the back, you deserve it.
Many of you might have guessed or indeed know from experience that drug abuse doesn’t just go away, it’s not something you can grow out of like jnco jeans or wearing ladies underwear... Of course, the drug abuse got worse and I found myself at a rehab “ministry” in the mountains of North Carolina. This program is faith based and was not my first choice or even on the list but there was no waiting and the price was right. So, off I went with the intention of just making it through the program and not assimilate into any of the religious nonsense. That’s not what happened. The program lasts 12 months including church twice a week, devotions every morning, and some kind of spiritual activity every evening except for Saturdays. I never saw it coming; by the 8th month I was a born again, holy roller, servant of Jesus. HALLEJUJAH! PRAISE HIM!! I believed, a lot, and fuck you in particular for not believing. I was ready to spend the rest of my life in the service of god. If you want to cringe a little, read that last sentence again and know that is was the truth. In fact, I had already taken the first steps towards working and living in ministry. Looking back, I think its safe to say that my experience is a testament to the power of indoctrination. Not that I had any special intellectual powers that allowed me to resist brain-washing; it didn’t occur to me at any time that brain-washing was exactly what was happening.
A bible verse was the flash point for my de-conversion and my desire to defend christianity was the catalyst. The senior pastor at church recited what he called “a failed prophecy,to some people” but of course he wasn’t talking about his audience, he was talking about most of you, you wicked ,wicked heathens. (Matthew 24:34 if you care) He explained why it was not a failed prophecy using the most graceful theological aerobatics I had ever heard. I wanted more. Fortunately, my critical thinking skills were re-emerging, about to save me from a lifetime of enslavement. I looked at every “failed prophecy” I could find and had several what the fuck moments that slowly chipped away at my certainty. Unfortunately it wasn’t like flipping a light switch. Six months past during which I consumed many books, many more debates, lectures, and conversations with non-believers and believers alike. And now, we get back to familiarity at this point in the story so I wont bore you, if I haven’t already. Eventually, I conclude that there is no reason for me to believe in a god and no longer accept christianity or super-nature.
I am still clean today and have been for years. I appears that I didn’t need god to save me from addiction after all.
Be gentle.
