I am a Christian Atheist... what? Help.

[AdamLOV]

While your spiritual position is not an unenviable one, there have been examples of negative belief. Gnostics such as Simon Magus claimed that what most Christians believe to be "God" is, in actuality, the God-that-is-not, a false deity that presides over a world that was only created by accident. One could remain a Christian, in this view, while asserting the nonexistence of one's own God, knowing full well that this "God", which has been placed in suspension, is a mere counterfeit of something that perhaps never really was. Such a view is at least as old as Simon Magus' time, which was approximately the 2nd century A.D. So being a Christian Atheist is far from being as paradoxical as it would seem upon first impression.