Riddle me this.

[emjay]

I don't know if it would ruin it to think aloud and try to analyse this puzzle in terms of assumptions? What do you guys think?

Knock yourself out. I'd love to see your thought process on this one.

Hehe... I bet you would Just like my smirking dad Okey dokey

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Problem is I haven't got a clue how to do it

First thought is that it's trying to get you to personify it. And second thought is that each statement causes its own assumption. Not much to go on yet

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Whatever assumptions the never x parts suggest... they're where I think the problems will be. So it's almost like undoing whatever first impressions they cause, and trying to read it as if you'd never read them. So teary eyed but never cry tries to make you personify the teary eyes, but I doubt the teary eyes will be anything to do with actual eyes... so let's just go simple here and reduce that to watery. This is gonna take a while