What is forgiveness and what is not?

[tackattack]

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"Offering forgiveness is a process that usually involves, seeing something broken, dealing with the emotions of that brokenness, understanding how it happened to grow beyond and then justly reconciling that. "

I think this is how it works with me. When I'm asked about a specific person or wrong and whether I can forgive, I get stumped at that word because I never feel forgiveness has anything to do with it. IT,s more like you say, working through it, deciding if the situation is ongoing, deciding that if it is something - whether past or not - that should be tolerated. As an example, my ex was abusive to my kids and I. Forgiveness doesn't come into it. His actions were never ok, never will be ok, forginess is irrelevant. I made changes so that we are safe, really took time to understand his nature so I could decide how to deal with him, worked past my anger, and that's it. There's nothing more to do. I see no place or reason for forginess, just makes no sense to me and if he ever asks me if I forgive him, I'd have to tell him it's not ok what he did, and if he wants to live with it, he needs to find his own way.

"No forgiveness should excuse accountability and responsibility for making someone a victim. "

Probably why I don't see the point of forgiveness, feels like a doge of responsibility and a way of avoiding working through anger.

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I think we agree that forgiveness is a process as we outlined. That doesn't mean there's not a threshold where you can say forgiven= yes instead of no. Where I believe we differ (and where you're actually getting hung up in the process) is determining whether "that should be tolerated". Forgiveness does not excuse personal accountability or prevent justice. Forgiveness is your process of moving past a wrong done to you. if it doesn't include the last threshold (from my perspective) of justice and reconciling responsibility and holding people accountable then it hasn't reached the threshold.

I'll use your example if you don't mind.
Phase 1- identifying "my ex was abusive to my kids and I"
Phase 2- stopping bad stuff from continuing - "deciding if the situation is ongoing"
Phase 3- putting bulwarks in place to prevent future harm - "I made changes so that we are safe"
Phase 4- dealing with the emotions and understanding the people - "really took time to understand his nature so I could decide how to deal with him, worked past my anger,"
Phase 5- seeking just recompense - I don't see that in your example

As an outsider with no history on receiving abuse, my opinion matter little, but I still see a need for an abuser to reconcile his wrong actions, the damage he's done to the kids and you, and make whatever reparations are appropriate. I'm certain a lot of people say, "nothing can excuse what you did, you can never make up for it". Those are people that can't forgive. The way I see it, people make mistakes and do bad things sometimes. No one can change the past, so what's done is done and what's said is said. You can let it hurt you and stop you from being the best you can be health problems link, but I'd prefer to genuinely move on completely. A lot of times people don't fully deal with things and they are suppressed or there is buried resentment. I see the above as my process for ensuring there is not cognitive dissonance created by things in my life, when I feel wronged. I do appreciate you sharing your story. Thanks!
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