What is forgiveness and what is not?

[900ft j]

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"Phase 5- seeking just recompense - I don't see that in your example"

"As an outsider with no history on receiving abuse, my opinion matter little, but I still see a need for an abuser to reconcile his wrong actions, the damage he's done to the kids and you, and make whatever reparations are appropriate."

What a great breakdown you gave!

On phase 5 - it is productive if the abuser reconciles (as in rapist admitting wrong, helps the victim just hearing that admission) but in some cases, as in the one I gave, that is not always possible. The guy is a malignant narcissist - or whatever current term is used for that type - and he will never admit wrong, never reconcile or make things right. So for myself, and especially for my kids, we had to find our own type of closure, that he will never admit what he has done, and that is beyond our power to change but we can decide never to let him or his past actions affect us from now on.

Should he pay for what he did? If it is a legal matter where justice serves some good, sure. But if it's to feed our sense of revenge, I'm opposed to that. For me, punishment doesn't balance scales, I don't believe there are scales, but punishment has a justifiable purpose if it deters more wrong doing, keeps people safe, is a tool for the wrongdoer to learn.

thanks for your insights!