Many years ago, I knew a guy who went to the Hollywood Bowl with a bottle of wine in is trousers. He was underage, and when the security guy was searching him for contraband, groped that bottle of wine and asked, "What's this!?". He said, "It's ME!", to which, the guard said, "Yike!" and let go. I'd like to think that my penis was as big and hard as a bottle of wine, but I'll settle for what I have.
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.