My culinary arts

[Creed of Heresy]

As I have stated before, I aspire to become a chef, and to own a restaurant. Cooking is a talent I have somehow managed to get very good at very quickly.

So I'm going to post some recipes. They've all been run through a rigorous tasting process [four room-mates: a blunt, cannot-lie Chinese guy, a gay black man, an absolute dickhead who nevertheless is totally my bromance, and my best friend of nine years] and all have passed with flying colors. Anything considered mediocre...I probably won't post since it's still something I'm fine-tuning. ^_^

For now, I'm just going to give you a basic snack, since I'm getting tired and my memory is failing me rapidly. "Uls." Which is the phonetic of LLS: Lemon-Lettuce-Salt. I'm not very creative with my dish names... It is what it sounds like. Take some iceberg lettuce, virtually marinade it in lemon juice and sprinkle each leaf you are about to eat with a bit of salt. Discovered it when I was 12. Surprisingly good and basic.

I'll post up a recipe for a chuck roast, which is currently my best-loved dish, a little later.

[Creed of Heresy]

Ok, here we go, some meat. Both literally and figuratively.

LG's Chuck Roast of Doom!

You will need:

To marinade it for at least 6 hours, so start early in the day or the day before!

One slab of Chuck Roast meat, 3-6 lbs. Make sure to get one with very, very good marbling and fat; it will add to the texture and flavor IMMENSELY. If you're dieting; don't even fucking bother with this, I'm pretty sure one mouthful of this contains 500 calories from fat alone, and I don't do diet-friendly alternatives. Or vegan-friendly alternatives.

Spices: Garlic [powder or cloves; cloves work better], pepper, salt, bay leaves, sage [rubbed, powdered, or a full twig of it, depending on preference; I prefer a full twig of leaves], thyme, rosemary leaves, basil leaves.

Sauce materials: A full, FULL bottle of Worcestershire Sauce [original stuff, no store brand, ON ANY OF THIS; YOU USE STORE BRAND I'LL FUCKING END YOU FOR BLASPHEMIZING MY WORK. lol], a bottle of Kikkomann's Soy Sauce [HAS to be Kikkomann's, any other will make it taste far too salty], a bottle of red cooking wine, and a bottle of olive oil. No, you're not going to use all of this...except for the Worcestershire.

Cooking materials: A nonstick frypan, and an oven safe (no teflon or plastic or rubber materials) 5-8 qt. pan, preferably steel, and a lid for the oven-safe pan, and a set of tongs or some means of conveyance of the roast from one pan to the other.

Veggies!: One yellow onion [white tastes too sweet, red tastes too onion-y], medium sized. One bag of carrots. Additionally you may add potatoes, tomatoes, and/or celery, but I just go with the carrots and onions for the most part.

What you will do!
If you have one, take a tenderizing mallet and begin to beat-da-meat for a couple minutes on both sides. Don't do it TOO hard or you'll end up beating the juices out of it; no fun having a dry roast. Peel the onion and dice that bitch; in advance, I pity your eyes. Wear goggles. Take the carrots, rinse 'em, chop 'em. Be careful when you do, too; the pieces I chop up seem to love rocketing away to land on the kitchen floor. Maybe you'll have more luck. Anyway, take the onions and carrots, put them in the pot [I'm just gonna call the oven-pan a pot]. If you wanna add potatoes, peel 'em, chop them up as you desire. Tomatoes, same deal, be sure to remove the seeds and stuff the seeds are in. Celery, also same deal. Put it alllll in the pot, baby, oohhhh yeahhhh.

Now, make sure you have your spices ready. Take the roast and put it on top of the veggies in the pot. Might have to stuff that sucker in there. There are NO measurements, here; I do everything by eyeball, SO: Sprinkle garlic powder over it until there's a pretty decent coating all over the roast. I'd say three seconds of good hard shaking. Next add a SPRINKLE of salt; not too much! Two pinches will do. The pepper, get liberal with it; a peppery chuck roast is fucking good. Six seconds of good shaking with the pepper. Three seconds of shaking with the basil leaves, a decent sprinkling of rosemary leaves [if you go by pinches: no more than five pinches, no less than three]. Add two bay leaves minimum, four if they're small. Two to three pinches of thyme, add a half of a twig of sage, or about four seconds of pouring/shaking rubbed or powdered sage.

Now with your spices added, take the bottle of worcestershire sauce. Glug glug glug; pour ALL of that bitch out onto the roast. It'll seep down into the veggies and bring some of the spices with it, which is good. Once the bottle is empty, add three splashes of red cooking wine, and then begin dribbling the Kikkomann's soy sauce onto it. If you get the standard sized bottle, empty a third of it into the roast, if you got the small little teeny tiny one, empty it out into the roast. Now, cover the pot, put it in the fridge for minimum six hours; ideally, 48 hours but 24 will be perfectly fine [48 is for the absolute best, but six is still good] to let it soak in.

When you're ready to cook, preheat your oven to 325 degrees F, take the olive oil and the nonstick pan. Put pan on stove, pour olive oil in pan, turn heat up to high. When the olive oil starts to begin smoking, take the roast, and place it in the pan. WARNING: It will begin searing instantly; that means hot flecks of oil. Be sure to have your arms covered and your eyes safe! Do not be leanin' all over this roast! Now, let it sear for 30-45 seconds, then turn it over. Notice how the side that was on the pan is all nice and brown? Awww yeah, baby; that's lockin' in them tasty juices this meat-sponge has been soakin' in! 30-45 seconds more of searing on the other side. Pick meat up with tongs or whatever else you're using to pick this bad-boy up, and sear the sides [you'll have to hold it up while doing this; this is LARGELY optional but highly recommended] for about five seconds each side. Once done, transfer the chuck roast back into the pot with all the veggies. For good measure, pour the stuff in the nonstick pan into the pot. Trust me; that is the Fort Knox of flavor right there for this roast. The pan is done, you will no longer need it. Cover the pot again. Oven should be preheated by now, if not, don't worry. Again, make sure there is no plastic or rubber. If the handle has rubber but it's removable, remove it now, and place inside the oven. This will take 4.5 - 5 hours to cook, so settle in.

Have the timer go off every hour. Every hour, take the chuck roast and turn it over in the pot. Be sure to have a spill tray of some kind under the pot, be it an old baking sheet or whatever cuz the pot is likely to be pretty full. Always for the love of fuck remember to use oven mitts. I doubt I need to mention that but you never know.

You can tell the meat is done by the "flake test." Take a fork and put in the meat and give it a twist. If it comes apart with virtually no effort, it's done. Ladle the sauce into bowls, cut sections of the meat and place chunks of it into said bowls, and enjoy what may very well be the best damn use of chuck roast you'll ever have! Warning: THIS STUFF IS FILLING. Don't try to tackle a 6-lb Chuck Roast of Doom by yourself in one sitting! This'll feed a family of 4 for at LEAST one night!

Bon apetite, mi amors.