Coping with death

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

Does anyone here have any ideas on how to take comfort in a friend's death?

So far,I never have ;all friends I have lost so far died young,often in accidents.A girlfriend died at 27 of renal failure. I found no comfort in their deaths. I grieved,and finally accepted the death,as is normal.


Later in life (after most of the deaths) I discovered "On death & Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I recommend it.


Kubler -Ross developed the model which uses the five stages of grief. It has helped me dealing with loss,especially the loss of relationships. I hope you find it useful if you are not already aware.

Stages

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]

Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation.
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded this theoretical model to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). Such losses may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.

As stated before, the Kübler-Ross Model can be used for multiple situations where people are experiencing a significant loss. We explain how the model is applied differently in a few specific situations below. These are just some of the many examples that Kübler-Ross wanted her model to be used for.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

[Angrboda]

I lost friends when I was rather young (in kindergarten, 3rd, 5th and 6th grades), but I don't consciously know how that affected me.

I don't have any evidence for the following, but it's what I believe. Grief is very individual. Everybody grieves differently, and each grief is distinct. I don't believe that the beliefs in an afterlife are any solace to one who has lost. Loss is loss and grief is grief. From what I see, the only balm for the grief suffered from losing someone is time, time and loving and being loved by others. Perhaps, if theists have an edge, their shared beliefs allow them to share the loss easier. And many of the rituals of death in the Western World provide an explicit context for sharing, and for ritualizing the fact that the deceased is no more (Pascal Boyer has a similar point about marriage, in that the marriage makes public an event, which on its face, is private; the community shares the event so that the community shares the change in status of the sexual partners). It's possible that some non-believers, ex-believers, may have a more difficult time than believers. For one, they are often isolated in their experience of the other's loss; they can't share it with, or have others share similar experiences of the loss, because most of the others are experiencing it differently, in a spiritual context. And, in my experience, stress has a tendency to encourage certain kinds of people to build walls of separation; I believe many atheists may be of this sort. It is probably a reflection of the value of independence and individuality in these people. And then, I wonder if for some former believers, the loss of a loved one might resonate with the loss of that world in which all things had explanation, meaning, and purpose; perhaps for some, the loss of another resurrects a struggle against feelings of nihilism which were never completely resolved. In this sense, the loss of another reminds them of a similar loss that they haven't fully come to terms with.

Anyway, as noted, this is all imho. I haven't bothered to look for research to support it, so take it as-is.

[TaraJo]

No easy answers to that one, but I can tell you this: just because you don't believe in a creator of the universe doesn't mean you have to rule out an afterlife. No one can ever truly know.

Thank you for your concern. That goes to everyone here.

As for belief in an afterlife, that's still something I want to believe in it, but I can't. The reason I don't believe in any Gods is simply that I have no evidence that any God exists. The problem is, the same logic applies to the after life: I see no evidence that it exists. While it would be nice to take comfort in, I can't convince myself of something I know in my mind is a lie.

All that is left of him is memories and I'm going to treasure those. My boyfriend is a very talented artist and he wants to express some of how he's feeling with his art, so that should help keep his memory alive, too.

[tangobunny]

I too am sorry for your loss. The quote from Aaron Freeman that aleialoura posted was exactly what I was going to say.....

We never really go, the memories other have of us live on and our physical bodies (what we're made up of, chemicals and water) eventually become part of something new... other living plants an animals.

[Cinjin]

No easy answers to that one, but I can tell you this: just because you don't believe in a creator of the universe doesn't mean you have to rule out an afterlife. No one can ever truly know.

As for belief in an afterlife, that's still something I want to believe in it, but I can't. The reason I don't believe in any Gods is simply that I have no evidence that any God exists. The problem is, the same logic applies to the after life: I see no evidence that it exists. While it would be nice to take comfort in, I can't convince myself of something I know in my mind is a lie.

I certainly don't go around telling people that there's an afterlife. Who the hell am I and how would I know? I don't, nor does it weigh on my mind. Like Chuck, I have no wish to live forever ... yuck!
However, I will say this about your statement that "there is no evidence of an afterlife." While it is true there is no evidence of god, there is is actually at least some evidence of a possible afterlife. There are many documented cases of events so strange and so utterly bewildering that even hard core skeptics do not have an answer of known scientific explanation. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that an afterlife is a for sure or that I know anything about it. I don't. I simply cannot rule it out. There is at least more evidence for that than there is for some silly god, and who am I to say that science won't one day explain how a consciousness reincarnates itself into a new form of existence. At any rate, my condolences for your loss. I was only sharing my own personal views and like everyone else on the planet, I have no hard evidence for any kind of afterlife.

[Norfolk And Chance]

Y'know, sometimes I kinda envy the religious people of the world.

A friend recently died and there's a memorial tomorrow for him. It struck me how 'gone' he is. I mean, if I was a Christian, I could take comfort my belief that he's in heaven. The same would apply to any other religious belief system, really, as long as it includes some form of afterlife. I don't see any evidence that any afterlife exists so instead of being able to take comfort that he's out there somewhere, he's just 'gone.' I actually wish I could take comfort in believing in an afterlife, but I can't make myself believe an unsubstantiated lie.

Does anyone here have any ideas on how to take comfort in a friend's death?

That's a real toughie. I have recently started to gain comfort with the finality of death by realising that it is an inescapable fact for every living creature. We're all equal at the end, and I don't feel like I'm missing out.

That helps me face my own mortality, but it's not really a solution to cope with grieving for another. Sorry.

[Godscreated]

I'm also sorry for your loss, this must have been a very dear friend and those are not easily attained. I wished I could give you words of comfort, but as for all of us there really aren't any, just know that we all care and understand what it is you are going through.