Coping with death

[TaraJo]

Y'know, sometimes I kinda envy the religious people of the world.

A friend recently died and there's a memorial tomorrow for him. It struck me how 'gone' he is. I mean, if I was a Christian, I could take comfort my belief that he's in heaven. The same would apply to any other religious belief system, really, as long as it includes some form of afterlife. I don't see any evidence that any afterlife exists so instead of being able to take comfort that he's out there somewhere, he's just 'gone.' I actually wish I could take comfort in believing in an afterlife, but I can't make myself believe an unsubstantiated lie.

Does anyone here have any ideas on how to take comfort in a friend's death?

[Minimalist]

I lift a glass in his/her honor and remember the good times.

[Jackalope]

TaraJo - I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my stepmother earlier this year. Everyone deals with death in their own way. All I can suggest is celebrate the life they had, and keep them alive in your memories.

[Erinome]

Take something that person taught you, and teach it to someone else. Maybe that person will teach it to someone, and on and on. If you do that, it's likely your friend will never actually die.

I've lost 2 friends to AIDS now. The 2nd anniversary of my best friend's death is tomorrow, and quite honestly, I'm pissed at the world. His partner of many years died last Friday, which was my 29th birthday, and I've been in a wretched mood ever since.

Here's something that I find beautiful and comforting that I'd like to share with you:

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly.

It's been shared many times on this forum, but it's great anyway.

[KichigaiNeko]

Feel privileged that YOU knew him/ her. A glass of your favourite to their honour and remember that they aren't so much as gone but rendered to memory.

[festive1]

My condolences. Losing loved ones is difficult.

[Cinjin]

Y'know, sometimes I kinda envy the religious people of the world.

A friend recently died and there's a memorial tomorrow for him. It struck me how 'gone' he is. I mean, if I was a Christian, I could take comfort my belief that he's in heaven. The same would apply to any other religious belief system, really, as long as it includes some form of afterlife. I don't see any evidence that any afterlife exists so instead of being able to take comfort that he's out there somewhere, he's just 'gone.' I actually wish I could take comfort in believing in an afterlife, but I can't make myself believe an unsubstantiated lie.

Does anyone here have any ideas on how to take comfort in a friend's death?

No easy answers to that one, but I can tell you this: just because you don't believe in a creator of the universe doesn't mean you have to rule out an afterlife. No one can ever truly know.

I look at a death of a loved one like this:
Cheers you beautiful someone ... if I ever do see you again, I will be beside myself with joy, and if I don't, I have loved every moment I had and thank you for the life you shared with me.

Death is part of life, and someday, it will be your turn ... and someone will have to mourn your passing.






“The advantage of living is not measured by length, but by use; some men have lived long, and lived little; attend to it while you are in it. It lies in your will, not in the number of years, for you to have lived enough.”
Michel de Montaigne, 16th Century French Essayist

[Angenlina star]

Bit of a general intro to my reply but: I am genuinely refreshed at a lot of the threads and replies , not least this thread.
I've not seen the quote re the 'physicist at the funeral' before ( it's a bit long to quote in a reply) : it was a great read and struck a chord , though I'm not too hot on physics, I did 'get it' - not some of the terms tho. I guess that was the point , about how it made me feel: a feeling of warmth is often synonymous with 'comfort' and 'love' . I could identify with this far more than all the religious brainwashing 'come and join us when you're weak' tosh!!!
Memories are important : make memories for now and later and live for now ...yes raise a glass if that's your bag .
I'm really sorry for your loss : it will get easier with time , hold the warmth ;-) x

[Faith No More]

At first when I lost my friends, I drowned my sorrows in drugs, which is something I highly discourage. My friends struggled with depression, so I took solace in the fact that they were no longer in pain. Above all, I try to concentrate on appreciating the times I did have with them and not dwell on all of the experiences of which I was robbed by their early death.

[Anomalocaris]

I don't take comfort in the death of a friend, but I am often grateful that of the time that the departed had, he or she chose to give some to me, and as a result leave me a slightly better person. And I hope that before my time is up, I too would have given some of mine to others in such a way that they would be better after I am gone because of me.

The craving for eternal life is repulsive to me. Everything come and go. A life that is complete and in its course made what come after slightly better is a infinitely better life clawing effetely at at the sorrow make belief prospect of inifinite idleness infinitely prolonged.