flaky people

[Minimalist]

In general, people suck.

I prefer dogs.




You always know where you stand with a dog.

[Jackalope]

Dogs are better people than most people, indeed.

[LastPoet]

Don't forget cats

[mostlysilent]

Dogs are awesome. My dog is the most loyal, steadfast and patient creature I have ever known. Never met a human like her and likely never will.

Cats are cool too. I have two of them. Loyal perhaps but steadfast and patient no.

[Angrboda]

I find that situations like this are often good opportunities for growth. Yes, they disappointed you, and in ways you find unacceptable. But it's not like they killed your dog or stole your checkbook. They disappointed you. I'm sure you've done things that other people have experienced as equally disappointing. However, it vexes you. (Forgive me if I project a bit.) It's got inside you and you can't find out how to let it go. I know that feeling. Something someone else has done or said has triggered me, and I can't let it go. In times like that, rather looking outward to try to understand or explain why people do things like that, I like to turn the question around and ask what it is about me, the why of who I am, that has got me stuck on these thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I'm projecting my own story onto you, and if I am, I apologize for the presumption. However, in my case, there are plenty of times things like this come up. Both of my parents were very controlling people, and my mother was a hoarder. Much as I resented their behaviors and the way they were, as the old saw goes, I became like them. We can't escape the enormous influence that our parents' model had in shaping who we are. So, for better or worse, my behavior is colored by issues of control, and unreasonable acquisition of things (hoarding). I'll struggle with both issues the rest of my life, and I will never have peace from them. No matter how much I succeed in not being like them, some casual wind will come along and remind me that I've not fallen as far from the tree as I'd like. Granted, I'm very philosophical and inward directed, so, even if a good bit of the above applies to you, you may not be able to or wish to follow my preferences in the matter, and that is to try to use the energy and opportunity when I'm similarly "vexed" by something or someone, to look for how I, and who I am, is equally the cause of vexation. (I'm sure there are plenty of times that people have disappointed you in ways that, you didn't find particularly troubling, or that you easily forgave, or that you ignored because you're the same way. What about this disappointment is different that it is distressing you and obsessing you in this way. What is it about you, what you value, what you dislike, your strengths, and vulnerabilities, that is causing the situation to affect you in this way?)

If the above is just a bunch of presumptuous arrogance on my part, and I'm reading too much into the situation and assuming too much about you, please forgive my presumption. But I thought the above might help you in the long run if you do identify with what I go through in similar things. It's not an easy thing to do, and it's not particularly pleasant, in my experience (searching out how my faults are causing my upset, rather than searching for explanations for what I see as problematic in others), but I consider it very worthwhile (for me, anyway).


Addendum: There's also the very real question of whether understanding why other people disappoint you is even likely to be helpful. I understand why my lover left me; I can even consider it reasonable that she did so; it's still going to hurt. People frequently try to understand the behavior of others in the hopes that if they understand them, it will resolve the feelings. I rather suspect that's neither all true or all false. Understanding may provide avenues for resolving the feelings, but not as quickly or as effectively as one would hope. Perhaps its most useful effect is that it gives us something to distract ourselves with, a puzzle to solve, while time, the body, and our heart is doing the difficult work of integrating the pain or other feeling into who we are and our "self" of who we've been. It can be hard just to accept a hurt or a pain and not try to push it away or understand it or "resolve it" by figuring it out. Sometimes just to "be" with our feelings is useful in and of itself. Find a comfortable chair, or a bench near the lake, or someplace else you like, and just sit, and notice, and feel. (One common way of "being" with one's feelings is to write — journaling, a diary, a poem, a story, an essay — or some other creative activity — drawing, crafts, photography. Sometimes this is just another way to distract while the body works the feelings out on its own, but sometimes it's a way to work through the emotion healthily.) I'm tempted to analogize it to grief, but don't take it too literally if it's not a fit for you, but grieving over some loss or hurt is something that simply takes time. Understanding what happened may help to give one a perspective which is better and ultimately leads to a better resolution of the feelings (better including, among other things, faster, or more deeply/thoroughly, or leading to greater truth, or whatever; it's individual). And like grief, I'd suggest there's no "right" or "wrong" way to resolve your feelings. It may just take time.

Anyway, again, I apologize if I've just been a bag of wind. Perhaps this is my working through something about me...

ETA: Just like me to look for anything but the direct approach. Another way, which you're practicing here, is talking about it. But it doesn't sound like you've done the talking about it with the people who disappointed you. If they hurt your feelings, let them know. You don't have to be blaming, just let them know that you feel hurt because of what happened. It can be hard, and if so, you might strategize to make it easier. Pick the one of them who you feel would be the most sympathetic and understanding; schedule time to have the discussion and arrange for both of you to get together (over coffee, by phone, in chat) to discuss it ("I've got something I'd like to talk to you about. Do you have time for a cup of coffee later this week?"). Given your intro and handle, this might be challenging for you, but it is also one of the most rewarding ways of working things out.

[mostlysilent]

Thank you for taking the time to type all that out. I do appreciate your words and effort. I am in real life one of those people who doesn't say much and that translates to my online discussions as well, so I apologize in advance if my response seems short or brief by comparison.

I have done some soul searching (for some reason I hate that phrase but use it anyway) to try to get to the bottom of why I find this kind of thing so distressing. There is the very real disappointment in not getting to do the activity that I was really looking forward to doing but I know that that alone is not enough to cause me this much stress so there must be more to it. I am still mulling it over but I am fairly certain that it is something along these lines. I come from very harsh and critical parents so I struggle mightily with self doubt. So like in this case, instead of just thinking "oh well they got busy, didn't feel like going anymore, or whatever" I will start obsessing about what it is that I did to cause them to reject me. It feels like a rejection instead of just a fluke change of plans. I tend to get kind of obsessive with my thinking so once something is in my head, it's really hard for me to just let it go (this is some of the reason I have a lot of trouble sleeping). So I go over and over and over it in my head struggling to figure it out until I exhaust myself. It is also difficult for me to trust people so when I do trust someone to do a certain thing and they don't do it, it feels like a slap in the face and a betrayal of the trust that I put in them. As far as talking to them about it, I did talk to one of my friends briefly about it and she was really helpful but I tend to not talk about this kind of thing and instead I just retreat into myself and internalize it. I don't even really talk to my own husband about it when I am hurting. I will mention it to him briefly also but will always down play it and act like it's really not a big deal even if it is. I find it much easier to bare my soul to strangers on the internet than to real people. This is something I am working on. I try in very small steps to talk to people about stuff that is bothering me. Like in the above example, me talking to my friend about it at all and letting her help me out, even though the conversation was brief and I downplayed it to her as well, was a huge step for me. In the past I wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

[festive1]

I can be a flake. It's more about me than the other person or what the planned activity is. I agree to go do something, then the day comes, and sometimes I'm just not up for it. Burned a few bridges, but most of my friends know me and know that's just how it is and are accepting of it-though they do tend to ask me a million times if I'm going to flake or not, which is annoying, but not surprising. They deal with my flaking, I deal with repeated questions, it's a stalemate, but it seems to work.

[Walking Void]

When I make obligations to other people I never ditch them on it and I doesn't afraid of anything.

(that was a reference by the way)

[NoraBrimstone]

Yeah... This shit is one of the reasons I don't do friends.

Was it not something you could have done alone?

[frankiej]

This is exactly how me and all my friends are. We are a lazy bunch... but because we all do it, it is okay.