Yes, you've been warned. It's time for my round the table confessions of an Ex-religious freak.
Hi, I'm Roy and I'm a magic addict (you will get my babies if you know that game reference).
No seriously, my name isn't Roy. Call me Ein. Like many, I was once a pretty proud Christian. Still think fondly on it some times. However, like those same copious amounts of individuals, I began to see some pretty idiotic things that made me skeptical. It didn't help that I was a total nerd. I loved to read. Not stories, not books - nope. Encyclopedias, dictionaries, cultural biographies; you know - the crap you could get beat up for in the 3rd grade.
My thirst for knowledge was brought on by my dad, who, at the time I was very young was a very skeptical free thinker. He found comfort like many in believing in God but for the most part? It was family comfort. He grew up in a proud Roman Catholic family and spoke of the many rituals in a more boasting manner as if he was lucky to have experienced that upbringing. My mom however, didn't have a mainstream back ground in the Gospel. She grew up non-denominational. When I was old enough to start asking questions, dad bought me sets of encyclopedias and other books of knowledge. Books on Biology, Cosmology, Engineering, Mechanics and more. I also had an entire shelf dedicated to military educational books, thinks to my entire family line having served.
My parents met in the service in the UK and hooked up within a year. It was within that time frame i was conceived. Some how, after a few moves after they got out of service, my mom convinced dad to move close to her parents here in TX. For a short time, they have to live with them. Wonder how awesome that felt to meet your father-in-law for the first time with his daughter wearing a wedding band and knocked up. Hmm... Classy, Dad.
My dad quickly got a good job as a Cop due to his military experience. He's a hard working, honest man. A good example of what a Cop should be. Skeptical, Humble, hungers for Truth but open minded enough to listen to both sides of a tale. Unfortunately he has no tact and quickly goes off on a rampage when something doesn't out right or easily make sense. Strange trait really since he is incredible cool tempered.
My mom is more of a mental wreck. Overly emotional and easily attached, it's hard for her to look at one side of an issue, much less two. She lacks confidence and is easily sold on "Too-Good-to-be-true ideas. Of course neither knew each other's true character at the time. As we all know, it takes AT LEAST 5 years with some one before you really see who they are.
It was about the time I got those encyclopedias that things start to go to hell in a hand basket. My dad supported skepticism, my mom did not. My mom had very little interest in science out right even though she enjoyed being a Sci Fi nut. My dad of course, with Dad the Science Guy well before I knew of Bill Nye. Things got shitty when dad's opinions of the Bible hit the brick wall that was my moms conscious when ever he started suggesting that it was possible that the Bible was not consistently maintained through out the ages. He also made it known that he felt science could explain much of the Bible's events. Of course my mom, while not a pure Creationist, was a Literalist at the time. She flew off the handle numerous times.
Things got worse as each character showed their true colors. My dad was actually hunting another chic when mom came along for the ride. Time had past and now he was gathering doubts. Mom felt that her family (parents) was close and God was closer to make up for the holes appearing at home. Eventually, between stresses at work due to long hours for my mom (and people wanting to frame her to get her fired) and Dad's Cop status bringing well, what's natural for a Cop to see in Dallas, TX? Things exploded for about 5 years.
My brother came a long and added to the weight over head within our house. As he grew, he seemed slow in school, held back even in first grade. Turned out he couldn't even hear. He was so timid due to his own challenges that it was even hard for him to speak. My parents didn't seem to handle this too well. My dad wished to push him, hoping that extra nudge would help him catch up - he believed in him. My mom wanted instead to baby him and protect him. The young kid, so timid and kind was easily attached to mom's covetous embraces. When the stresses hit their peak, marriage at it's threads and I, being old enough to be a "brat" (by of course, being depressed by the mounting of bullshit), the abuse started. For 5 years straight, I had to either take the hits, or watch the hits happen to my younger brother.
I'll never forget the first time I finally yelled "Stop". It makes me quiver to this day.
While my dad knows very little of the beatings, the verbal abuse was obvious. In his case? It was his silence.
He was never there, working long nights and having to rest during the day. Our reprieve was School time, where we were not required to always be quite so dad could sleep, and where we didn't have to look around our bedroom door corner to see if mom was sobbing in rage again.
When the beat downs stopped (due to mom finally realizing the monster she was becoming), it was replaced with Church. Heaps and GOBS of church.
I was so fucking alone there.
Everyone would always look at me like some weird ass immigrant. We were going to small, quaint but nice little Church in a richer area where my mom's parents lived. I did like it, but felt so out of place.
Over time, as church seemed to mask the faces of our family with notions of God and Christ, I began to rebel and brood as I was the oldest one; the one expected to be the sound board for my parent's problems. With dad, I'd learn what women NOT to fucking marry, which basically meant any chic like my mother.
With mom, apparently my father never does anything and no one loves her.
At that time? God damn it.
By high school, I was pathetic enough to try suicide but never had any balls enough to actually finish the job. Why? Well, friends I guess. School was still be sanctuary. Church? Still that burden making every Wednesday Night late as hell and not letting me sleep Sunday morning.
However, despite how it was always a chore to get there, I got sucked in. It was a good way to focus on something else BESIDES our problems at home. We'd study every night for our classes on Sunday and eventually, I got to a point where I could lead classes and studies myself.
I took particular interest in prophetic texts. They were the only ones that were still mysterious enough to be interesting and my artistic side noticed how much of the Bible was really nothing more but Metaphors, Analogies and Poetic lyrics. I took it upon my self to decipher them in artistic ways; and it worked! People liked my views, even when I through in my science ideas to make certain things make more sense to me.
So, I grew up. Was trying to go to college and I began to get really independent. Despite how Bible Thumping gave me something to do, there were very glaring questions I had that would NEVER get answered. Ever. And the more I tried to answer them myself, the more I saw the Bible as, well, kind'a pointless. Still thought Jesus was worth it but the Book of God was well? Corrupted or... written by plenty of normal as people living normal ass lives.
Soon it was me who began to clash, and shit hit the fan again when my dad's mom passed away in my very arms. Despite her very devout service to Catholism, she listened to me to heart, knew I wasn't true to God and supported me in my paths anyway. Once she took her last breath and I kissed her on her fore head, I made the stand to never go back home.
I failed.
Again.
Damn I suck.
However the drive I had, fueled and frustration and the lust to relieve my depression kept at conflict with my parents and ready to rid them of my presence under that God forsaken hut we lived in. 5 months later, I saved up 300 dollars, packed my guitar, a suite case and a back pack and left for the West Coast.
I lived in Washington State for quite awhile, met my current fiance and mother of my 2 month old, and made on my own.
Well, her dad let me live under his roof for quite awhile once I got there but, what was set in motion was rolling. My family wanted me to fail. Fail so that I could admit that they were right.
Not even my fiance's dad liked that crap. He wanted to see me grow up, get some balls, make myself a man and succeed. And that I did. Least I feel I did. Working from nothing but the clothes on my back and 300 backs, eventually got a good job within 2 years of being free from my house-hold pits good enough to afford me a 2 story 3 bedroom house. 4 months after living in that house; being homeless a few times, surviving a vicious flood and some how getting a stable job in a state that avoids employment like one does AIDS - I called my parents.
We caught up, chewed the fat and spit out some nonsense but over all? I was happy to say that I didn't need help. I succeeded. Be proud of me damn it.
Being so far away meant no more church, and the death of my fiance's mom meant her dad was very spiteful of this so ""benevolent God". I was left to my own devices, reading all the crap I could when I wanted, however I wanted and most importantly? What I wanted.
I learned how religions evolved and changed. I learned of Memetics, I learned even more about the Cosmos, the importance of the Higgs Field and Higgs Boson prediction (at that time, still just a prediction). I loaded my brain with so much relevant evidence of our reality that I began to feel completely detached from religion all together. Of course being surrounded by Mormon churches helped too...
Nice people.
Will do yard work for you just to blab about their faith but damn can they be creepy at times.
This isn't to say I still tried.
I was exposed to the Necronomicon, I was exposed to Wiccan, I had researched Buddhism, Confucianism, Astrology and Witchcraft.
Some things were more fascinating than others but... to quote Murderface from Deathklok? "It's all the fucking same".
I continued to learn and grow, pushing forward in careers until I'm where I am today; severed from any link to the religious side.
So you may ask then, what did I find to fill the void? What then, made it easier to deal with my own childhood, hardships and fears about death?
Science.
But it's more than just that.
I had an epiphany, I guess. First, I acknowledge one simple fact, THEN, I realized two resulting conclusions.
I acknowledged that we will never fully know EVERYTHING this Universe has to offer us, but one thing is certain - it doesn't need a God or Gods to operate, and never will.
From there, I found solace in two reasoning that made me feel the lack of need for any God where this isn't - If we are alone, in this universe of 100+ BILLION Galaxies, each Galaxy possibly containing on average, 300 Billion stars, and around these stars an average of 17 Billion possible Earth like planets? Then Wow are we lucky to be here. And if we are not Alone? Then wow, how many of us are there in this reality?
Because you see? Out've those 100+ Billion galaxies X 300+ Billion stars with around 17 Billion Earths per Galaxy, my fiance and I some how were born in the same life span, met each other on the same planet, and hooked up.
No. Don't need a God for that. Just a single, unique Coincidence. It's much, much more special that way.
In the words of Tony Darnell? "Keep looking up".
Thank you.
-=Ein=-
Hi, I'm Roy and I'm a magic addict (you will get my babies if you know that game reference).
No seriously, my name isn't Roy. Call me Ein. Like many, I was once a pretty proud Christian. Still think fondly on it some times. However, like those same copious amounts of individuals, I began to see some pretty idiotic things that made me skeptical. It didn't help that I was a total nerd. I loved to read. Not stories, not books - nope. Encyclopedias, dictionaries, cultural biographies; you know - the crap you could get beat up for in the 3rd grade.
My thirst for knowledge was brought on by my dad, who, at the time I was very young was a very skeptical free thinker. He found comfort like many in believing in God but for the most part? It was family comfort. He grew up in a proud Roman Catholic family and spoke of the many rituals in a more boasting manner as if he was lucky to have experienced that upbringing. My mom however, didn't have a mainstream back ground in the Gospel. She grew up non-denominational. When I was old enough to start asking questions, dad bought me sets of encyclopedias and other books of knowledge. Books on Biology, Cosmology, Engineering, Mechanics and more. I also had an entire shelf dedicated to military educational books, thinks to my entire family line having served.
My parents met in the service in the UK and hooked up within a year. It was within that time frame i was conceived. Some how, after a few moves after they got out of service, my mom convinced dad to move close to her parents here in TX. For a short time, they have to live with them. Wonder how awesome that felt to meet your father-in-law for the first time with his daughter wearing a wedding band and knocked up. Hmm... Classy, Dad.
My dad quickly got a good job as a Cop due to his military experience. He's a hard working, honest man. A good example of what a Cop should be. Skeptical, Humble, hungers for Truth but open minded enough to listen to both sides of a tale. Unfortunately he has no tact and quickly goes off on a rampage when something doesn't out right or easily make sense. Strange trait really since he is incredible cool tempered.
My mom is more of a mental wreck. Overly emotional and easily attached, it's hard for her to look at one side of an issue, much less two. She lacks confidence and is easily sold on "Too-Good-to-be-true ideas. Of course neither knew each other's true character at the time. As we all know, it takes AT LEAST 5 years with some one before you really see who they are.
It was about the time I got those encyclopedias that things start to go to hell in a hand basket. My dad supported skepticism, my mom did not. My mom had very little interest in science out right even though she enjoyed being a Sci Fi nut. My dad of course, with Dad the Science Guy well before I knew of Bill Nye. Things got shitty when dad's opinions of the Bible hit the brick wall that was my moms conscious when ever he started suggesting that it was possible that the Bible was not consistently maintained through out the ages. He also made it known that he felt science could explain much of the Bible's events. Of course my mom, while not a pure Creationist, was a Literalist at the time. She flew off the handle numerous times.
Things got worse as each character showed their true colors. My dad was actually hunting another chic when mom came along for the ride. Time had past and now he was gathering doubts. Mom felt that her family (parents) was close and God was closer to make up for the holes appearing at home. Eventually, between stresses at work due to long hours for my mom (and people wanting to frame her to get her fired) and Dad's Cop status bringing well, what's natural for a Cop to see in Dallas, TX? Things exploded for about 5 years.
My brother came a long and added to the weight over head within our house. As he grew, he seemed slow in school, held back even in first grade. Turned out he couldn't even hear. He was so timid due to his own challenges that it was even hard for him to speak. My parents didn't seem to handle this too well. My dad wished to push him, hoping that extra nudge would help him catch up - he believed in him. My mom wanted instead to baby him and protect him. The young kid, so timid and kind was easily attached to mom's covetous embraces. When the stresses hit their peak, marriage at it's threads and I, being old enough to be a "brat" (by of course, being depressed by the mounting of bullshit), the abuse started. For 5 years straight, I had to either take the hits, or watch the hits happen to my younger brother.
I'll never forget the first time I finally yelled "Stop". It makes me quiver to this day.
While my dad knows very little of the beatings, the verbal abuse was obvious. In his case? It was his silence.
He was never there, working long nights and having to rest during the day. Our reprieve was School time, where we were not required to always be quite so dad could sleep, and where we didn't have to look around our bedroom door corner to see if mom was sobbing in rage again.
When the beat downs stopped (due to mom finally realizing the monster she was becoming), it was replaced with Church. Heaps and GOBS of church.
I was so fucking alone there.
Everyone would always look at me like some weird ass immigrant. We were going to small, quaint but nice little Church in a richer area where my mom's parents lived. I did like it, but felt so out of place.
Over time, as church seemed to mask the faces of our family with notions of God and Christ, I began to rebel and brood as I was the oldest one; the one expected to be the sound board for my parent's problems. With dad, I'd learn what women NOT to fucking marry, which basically meant any chic like my mother.
With mom, apparently my father never does anything and no one loves her.
At that time? God damn it.
By high school, I was pathetic enough to try suicide but never had any balls enough to actually finish the job. Why? Well, friends I guess. School was still be sanctuary. Church? Still that burden making every Wednesday Night late as hell and not letting me sleep Sunday morning.
However, despite how it was always a chore to get there, I got sucked in. It was a good way to focus on something else BESIDES our problems at home. We'd study every night for our classes on Sunday and eventually, I got to a point where I could lead classes and studies myself.
I took particular interest in prophetic texts. They were the only ones that were still mysterious enough to be interesting and my artistic side noticed how much of the Bible was really nothing more but Metaphors, Analogies and Poetic lyrics. I took it upon my self to decipher them in artistic ways; and it worked! People liked my views, even when I through in my science ideas to make certain things make more sense to me.
So, I grew up. Was trying to go to college and I began to get really independent. Despite how Bible Thumping gave me something to do, there were very glaring questions I had that would NEVER get answered. Ever. And the more I tried to answer them myself, the more I saw the Bible as, well, kind'a pointless. Still thought Jesus was worth it but the Book of God was well? Corrupted or... written by plenty of normal as people living normal ass lives.
Soon it was me who began to clash, and shit hit the fan again when my dad's mom passed away in my very arms. Despite her very devout service to Catholism, she listened to me to heart, knew I wasn't true to God and supported me in my paths anyway. Once she took her last breath and I kissed her on her fore head, I made the stand to never go back home.
I failed.
Again.
Damn I suck.
However the drive I had, fueled and frustration and the lust to relieve my depression kept at conflict with my parents and ready to rid them of my presence under that God forsaken hut we lived in. 5 months later, I saved up 300 dollars, packed my guitar, a suite case and a back pack and left for the West Coast.
I lived in Washington State for quite awhile, met my current fiance and mother of my 2 month old, and made on my own.
Well, her dad let me live under his roof for quite awhile once I got there but, what was set in motion was rolling. My family wanted me to fail. Fail so that I could admit that they were right.
Not even my fiance's dad liked that crap. He wanted to see me grow up, get some balls, make myself a man and succeed. And that I did. Least I feel I did. Working from nothing but the clothes on my back and 300 backs, eventually got a good job within 2 years of being free from my house-hold pits good enough to afford me a 2 story 3 bedroom house. 4 months after living in that house; being homeless a few times, surviving a vicious flood and some how getting a stable job in a state that avoids employment like one does AIDS - I called my parents.
We caught up, chewed the fat and spit out some nonsense but over all? I was happy to say that I didn't need help. I succeeded. Be proud of me damn it.
Being so far away meant no more church, and the death of my fiance's mom meant her dad was very spiteful of this so ""benevolent God". I was left to my own devices, reading all the crap I could when I wanted, however I wanted and most importantly? What I wanted.
I learned how religions evolved and changed. I learned of Memetics, I learned even more about the Cosmos, the importance of the Higgs Field and Higgs Boson prediction (at that time, still just a prediction). I loaded my brain with so much relevant evidence of our reality that I began to feel completely detached from religion all together. Of course being surrounded by Mormon churches helped too...
Nice people.
Will do yard work for you just to blab about their faith but damn can they be creepy at times.
This isn't to say I still tried.
I was exposed to the Necronomicon, I was exposed to Wiccan, I had researched Buddhism, Confucianism, Astrology and Witchcraft.
Some things were more fascinating than others but... to quote Murderface from Deathklok? "It's all the fucking same".
I continued to learn and grow, pushing forward in careers until I'm where I am today; severed from any link to the religious side.
So you may ask then, what did I find to fill the void? What then, made it easier to deal with my own childhood, hardships and fears about death?
Science.
But it's more than just that.
I had an epiphany, I guess. First, I acknowledge one simple fact, THEN, I realized two resulting conclusions.
I acknowledged that we will never fully know EVERYTHING this Universe has to offer us, but one thing is certain - it doesn't need a God or Gods to operate, and never will.
From there, I found solace in two reasoning that made me feel the lack of need for any God where this isn't - If we are alone, in this universe of 100+ BILLION Galaxies, each Galaxy possibly containing on average, 300 Billion stars, and around these stars an average of 17 Billion possible Earth like planets? Then Wow are we lucky to be here. And if we are not Alone? Then wow, how many of us are there in this reality?
Because you see? Out've those 100+ Billion galaxies X 300+ Billion stars with around 17 Billion Earths per Galaxy, my fiance and I some how were born in the same life span, met each other on the same planet, and hooked up.
No. Don't need a God for that. Just a single, unique Coincidence. It's much, much more special that way.
In the words of Tony Darnell? "Keep looking up".
Thank you.
-=Ein=-
"He who so forgets history is doomed to repeat it." - Churchill
