Inspiration

[rexbeccarox]

I've been struggling with some stuff for awhile now, and as much as I love the people closest to me, sympathetic noises aren't enough at this point, and so I'm going to appeal to the harshness of the interwebz (or at least the harshness of my cynical friends around here), and ask for a little advice. Thanks in advance if you're brave enough to take on my shit

Some of you know a little of my background, but I'll bore you with a (haha!) short refresher:

I moved to Southern California almost nine years ago with my [now] ex boyfriend. I got a job, worked at it for a few years and generally was enjoying my life, if not always my relationship. My dad died at one point, and a snowball effect seemed to happen. A few days after getting home from taking care of my dad, I found out I was being laid off from my job, along with everyone else in the company; we'd been acquired. For me, it was good timing, being that my dad left me a decent sum. When it got right down to it, though, I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do from there. I enjoyed the hell out of a few months off, but after awhile, if I didn't have an adventure planned, I was bored.

I went back to school for a bit (I actually don't have any clue how many associate's degrees I have at this point) for Communications, being that I decided I wanted to be a radio DJ. Unfortunately, I live in a large radio market, and if I really want to make it in radio, I would have to move to a smaller market, at least for the time being. At the age of 37, I'm happy here, and the idea of moving to Omaha or El Centro or really anywhere but where I am is depressing... and we don't want to get into the depression. But I digress...

My ex and I broke up and I kicked him out of the house. For about a year, I was swimming in a sea of melancholia and the apparitions of the life I had only recently lost (my dog and cat died around the time too), and a good friend convinced me to move in with her and out of my haunted house- not that I really believe in those things

I agreed and eventually opened a little shop. I loved my shop. Daily, I have someone tell me how much they miss it since it's been closed, and I agree: it was the best idea I've ever had, and like most of my ideas, it failed. I don't mean to sound all doom-and-gloom, but it's true: I rarely follow through with anything, and the things I do go to the shitter. I take full responsibility for that. When I was building my shop, my therapist put me on Concerta, and it was like a miracle; the project was glorious and I just... got it done and had a great time doing it. Her concern was that I would drop the ball because of my lack of focus. She was right: a week after I opened my shop, she died, and I abruptly went off my meds... I guess I missed her and couldn't imagine anyone else helping to manage my mental health.

My Grand Opening party was glorious. There were so many people who came from all over, including my mom and one of my best friends, both from the east coast; two friends from AF.com (a friend from .com actually made my logo, which I had made into a 3D sign); a friend from AZ; and all of my local people. I soon fell in love with one of the friends from .com, and we dated for a year. Sometime in that year, I had to close my shop. Like I said: I had gone off all of my meds- including my anti-depressant- and I was... well... I thought I was hiding it pretty well... but I was bad. On the outside, I was pretty cheery and still adventurous, but only because I was putting on an act. Eventually, I got dumped. Looking back, I'm not sure what did it. He never gave me any specific reasons, and it's all speculation, but I can't imagine the hole I was digging deeper and deeper into helped much.

At this point, I'm pretty much over the dumping; at least I can look at it from a practical and objective perspective, but the depression has paralyzed me. I have three novels I'm writing, but I can't seem to consistently work on any of them. My sister and I started a blog, and at first, I was gung-ho, but now I can't seem to muster the motivation to make a four-sentence entry. I'm bored unless I'm traveling, and even then, the apathy has gotten to the point where traveling, probably my biggest motivation in the world, is even just going through the motions.

I'm apathetic, bored, and I haven't had any kind of income, short of what I gain in the stock market, in five and a half years. I feel worthless, and I've come to the conclusion I just need a little inspiration. When I'm inspired, it's like life is mine. Like I can do anything. Right now I feel like a pool of slush that has nowhere to go but in the gutter, and as a major depressive, that's a dangerous way to think.

What I'm looking for is inspiration. I truly do not want to go back to meds, at least not right now. First, I want to try out some other stuff and I'm hoping you guys might have a little insight.

TL;DR: I'm a bored depressive who needs some inspiration.

Thanks for your time, guys. I really do appreciate anything you've got

[Fruity]

Aw, Rex. HUG*

I'd tell you to write a book, but you're doing that already. I'd tell you to go to school, but you've done that. I'd tell you start a business, but yeah. What if you go back to work? You could work in something different.

When I get bored I start a project. Thing with me is that my projects have to be short term, because they bore me and then I need a fresh idea. I'm never bored too long, because I'm always coming up with new things. Then again, who can be bored with kids?

I think you need something long term. Maybe going back to work in something challenging and different. Either that, or move. Start over.

[Captain Colostomy]

Maybe become a volunteer. It may help give you perspective and focus. Also, it just feels good.

I also hear pole dancing works wonders, but only if you have a web cam... :p

[Fruity]

Maybe become a volunteer. It may help give you perspective and focus. Also, it just feels good.

oh yes! This is great, too! Spending time at the community senior center playing dominos is fun. Or you can volunteer walking dogs at a shelter. Actually, the more I think of this one, the more ideas come to my head. Yes, I agree with captain colon. This should be very helpful to you and others.

[Captain Colostomy]

Maybe become a volunteer. It may help give you perspective and focus. Also, it just feels good.

oh yes! This is great, too! Spending time at the community senior center playing dominos is fun. Or you can volunteer walking dogs at a shelter. Actually, the more I think of this one, the more ideas come to my head. Yes, I agree with captain colon. This should be very helpful to you and others.

Thanks for not helping along my pole dancing suggestion, Ivy...

[Fruity]

oh yes! This is great, too! Spending time at the community senior center playing dominos is fun. Or you can volunteer walking dogs at a shelter. Actually, the more I think of this one, the more ideas come to my head. Yes, I agree with captain colon. This should be very helpful to you and others.

Thanks for not helping along my pole dancing suggestion, Ivy...

Oh, my. Usually I would, but it's rex! She's so cute, and makes hoops, and wore a nun costume. I kind of feel like I don't want to contaminate her with the dirty eyes of... all of us weirdos. lol

ok, fine. Rex, you could consider pole dancing. Maybe that could help you with the boredom

(psssst! Don't do it! Stay sweet and nun-ish!)

[GodsRevolt]

I just wanted to pipe in that having your first business fail means absolutely nothing. I don't have the statistics on me, but a lot of successful business owners are on their second or third business. They refer to the first business as a "learning experience" or I remember hearing one say "baptism by fire" though I'm not sure how that rhetoric would sit on this forum.

The same with writing. If you go into it thinking that your first story is going to be the next Shakespeare, putting your name of college syllabi for years to come, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Stephen King had tons of rejection notes before he got published. They were a source of pride for him, not because he had failed but because he was going at it so hard.

I know I am on the "other side" in these parts of the web, but not following through is something that I definitely understand. I have a degree that I am not using and right now I am looking into anything but what the degree is for. I have no idea what I am doing with my life right now, feeling completely useless. But I found something that I really want for myself (it just happens to be writing as well) and I have made the decision to just do it because . . . why the hell not? I want it. For me. Since I made that decision, though, I have given up on it more times than an atheists curses God in Sunday traffic, but I'm still at it.

Honestly, I'm jealous that you had a "shop" at all. I always thought that would be cool. I never had the guts to set something like that up.

Anyway, take that as you will from the delusional guy in the corner.

[Zazzy]

I just wanted to pipe in that having your first business fail means absolutely nothing. I don't have the statistics on me, but a lot of successful business owners are on their second or third business. They refer to the first business as a "learning experience" or I remember hearing one say "baptism by fire" though I'm not sure how that rhetoric would sit on this forum.

This is true, RR. Don't let it get you down. Entrepreneurship is HARD, and you will fail until you learn. Think about what went wrong and if it's fixable. There's no reason you can't rethink and try again.

Also, many business schools have classes where students have to pick a small business and help it succeed- this REALLY helped an acquaintance of mine with an ailing business. Is there a big school near you where you might be able to benefit from something like this?

[Whateverist]

You sound manic depressive to me. My mom was one and I've experienced both ends of that. (I prefer the mania.)

But so what? Some people have manageable affects and can get by without meds. Do you think that's true for you? If not, why not be on meds? Lots of us here are medicated. No biggie.

But inspiration, hey? They say necessity can help but I don't think it is all that inspiring. In my experience it does no good to pander to my own happiness. I do better in the context of others. It feels good to have a role, a contribution to make, people who appreciate what you do for them, something that feels important to do. The nice thing is you don't even have to worry about what it pays, you can afford to start on the ground floor.

Have you made a list of what you have to offer? What are your strengths? How do you like to interact with people? Are you a people person? (You seem like one.) What can you do for others and what of that do you enjoy doing? Of course if you follow Ivy's advice, you could always have kids. They definitely make you feel needed and they're fairly long term projects too.

[Walking Void]

Wait, You want inspiration? An idea of what to do? Or is it motivation, like me, who finds my drive to act upon ideas to be missing? Which department are You, ambition (having dreams) or motivation (having drive)?